Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
by Cookirini
Summary: For vengeance. For glory. For Pop Tarts. Prepare yourselves for the greatest Silver Milennium fic ever written....that was not approved by George W. Bush. You'll be amazed, you'll be shocked, you'll be astounded...crap, I'm running out of summary space...
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_There are some moments in _history _which resonate _greatly _in the hearts and minds of_ good men_. The _heroes _are _praised_, the _villains cursed_, and the _fallen lamented_. Though the main players have died, for people here on Earth, those moments, those ideas...live forever in story_. _Stories that show the _struggle, _the_ glory_, the_ triumph.

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_Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is copyrighted Naoko Takeuchi. All rights are reserved. Please do not plagarize this work. Please do enjoy the story. _

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	2. 1: Batteries Not Included

**PAPIRINI PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS **

**IN ASSOCIATION WITH NO ONE IN PARTICULAR**

**A STORY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS**

_In a village of La Mancha, the name of which I have no desire to call to mind, there lived not long since one of those gentlemen that keep a lance in the lance-rack, an old buckler, a lean hack, and a greyhound for coursing. An olla of rather more beef than mutton, a salad on most nights, scraps on Saturdays, lentils on Fridays, and a pigeon or so extra on Sundays, made away with three-quarters of his income. The rest of it went in a doublet of fine cloth and velvet breeches and shoes to match for holidays, while on week-days he made a brave figure in his best homespun. He had in his house a housekeeper past forty, a niece under twenty, and a lad for the field-_

* * *

**WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE SUDDEN INTERRUPTION OF THE STORY. IT APPEARS WE UPLOADED THE WRONG STORY. PLEASE WAIT WHILE WE PASTE THE CORRECT STORY INTO THE APPLICATION.**

* * *

**MAYBE GET A SODA, MAKE SOME DINNER. THIS MAY BE AWHILE.**

* * *

**PAPIRINI PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS **

**IN ASSOCIATION WITH NO ONE IN PARTICULAR**

**A STORY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS**

**A TALE TOLD BY AN IDIOT**

**AND SPONSORED BY YOUR LOCAL FORD DEALER**

**(without commercial interruption)**

**WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT**

**1: Batteries Not Included**

It was a dark and stormy night, in the dark and stormy North Pole.

"Wait!"

"Stop!!"

"No!!" Four men's boots pounded against the rock of the ground as snow billowed into the cave with them. "Stop this instant!!"

Their target did not hear them, nor did she care. Hair flying, eyes ablaze and glowing staff in hand, she raced down the stairs of the ancient catacomb, coming to the bottom of the flight, in front of a pair of heavy doors.

"Phew!" One strike of the staff forced the doors open for her. "The Elders Sages had better be right about what is down here...I don't have much time...!"

Her robes flying around her, the woman was quickly plunged into darkness. All that could be seen were two garnet pillars, both glowing like smoldering embers from a dying fire. Bracing herself, she held her staff out, which glowed a bright white.

_There it is..._

"Beryl!" Voices began to echo through the antechamber. "Beryl...!"

Quickly, Beryl turned her glowing staff towards the columns, which held between them a dense, black cloud of smoke. Throwing her arms forward, Beryl stared at the mass, dropping to her knees.

"I command you, demon..." Energy blasted from the staff, straight into the mass. "Accept this energy..._awaken_!!"

The energy hit the mass head on. At this, the cave began to rumble, with rocks crumbling down to the ground. The columns also disappeared, as the black mass began to pulse with life.

"**...Graaaaugh.**" The big cloud of smoke opened its blood-red eyes. "**Conquer universe. Kill people. Eat things...Destroy...**"

With that, the monster expelled a powerful burst of flatulence, which caused a dark green cloud to descend through the chamber. Still bowing, Beryl coughed violently, tears coming to her eyes.

"You...have to be kidding me," she gasped. "Don't we have _enough _problems with the greenhouse effect?!"

"Stop!! Halt! Alto...!"

The four men who had chased her down into the caverns immediately stopped, gasping at their lack of air from running. It also didn't help that they had hit the wall of gas that was now mercilessly filtering out of the cave, like a funnel of smoke.

"Oh...my...**GOD!**" Zoicite was the first to collapse to the ground, gasping for dear life as he did. "Beryl, did you _have_ to pick the spirit whose gas kills cancer on contact?!"

"Uuuaaack!" On his knees, Jadeite croaked. "Augh, urge to dry heave rising..."

"Oh!" At this, Beryl stumbled over to the four figures on the floor. "Stop whining! You're the Heavenly Kings, not a pack of babies!"

"Well, I don't care what _you_ say, Beryl," Nephrite shut his eyes tightly. "But I really want to cry now."

"Couldn't you have just _waited_ for us?"

"You're pretty damn fast in heels, Beryl..."

"Be quiet." Beryl glared at the three. "You should all be more like Kunzite once in a while. He doesn't bitch about every little thing we come across."

At this, all three looked at Kunzite, who was already standing. His cold silver eyes were staring back at them, and his ever present snarl-frown was on his face as he looked over in the direction of the monster.

"...Kunzite?" Jadeite barely suppressed a laugh. "He looks constipated."

"He always looks constipated, Jadeite." Zoicite shrugged. "What's new?"

"Now!" The group quickly stood at attention as Beryl began to speak again. "This is the moment we have been waiting for. It has been a year in the making, but finally, we have, in our possession...the ancient Metaria monster!"

With that, Beryl thrust her staff forward, and a bright purple beam shot from it. Like a lasso it wrapped around the monster before sinking into it. As this was done, the monster began to slowly move towards Beryl, like the cloud it was.

"Beryl," At this, Nephrite spoke again. "Are you certain this is a good idea? I mean, the Elder Sages...they're not exactly the best source of information on this kind of monster-taming..."

"Seconded."

"Thirded."

"...and," Nephrite continued after the tight-faced Kunzite didn't respond, "this monster seems to be pretty, uh, strong."

"Would you rather I didn't ask about it and go on with our plan empty-handed?" Beryl took several steps back, holding her staff up again. "Besides, my binding spell is my strongest power. Not even a god could break it. So..."

At this, another blast of energy shot out from the staff, this time glowing a bright neon purple. It encircled the monster several times before disappearing; as the spell finished, the blood red eyes dulled to a hue of brown.

"...Watch." With that, Beryl brought her staff back down. "Metaria, demon of darkness. Listen here; you are now under my command. You will obey my every instruction. Do you understand?"

"**Graaaaugh...**" The monster stared at Beryl. "**Yes.**"

"Excellent." Beryl held her staff up. "Now, to finish what was started. The people of Earth are filled with anger; use your power to fan the flames and prepare them for battle on the moon!"

"**The moooon..."** The monster's eyes flashed at this. "**Graaaaugh...yeeesss, master...**"

With a smile, Beryl stepped back, and went to return to the mouth of the cave, motioning for the generals to follow her. They did so, though each of them took a turn at looking at Metaria nervously as it followed them.

"Today, my friends..." They started up the stairs. "Today is the day we finally...get our revenge...!"

* * *

The evening stars had already begun to twinkle in the sky when Princess Serenity, the most beautiful maiden in the galaxy, finally dared to venture out onto her balcony. She had gone through several days of moping, refusing to dress or to participate in court. It took all of her servants to convince her to do something that day, and so she had strolled he gardens. But it did not quiet her heart. 

_My love..._

She had spent hours getting ready for the ball that her mother had organized for that night. Putting on her finest white gown, she allowed herself to be turned into a doll for the pleasure of the men who would no doubt court her that night, thus securing for this or that prominent moon family the hand of the princess.

But her mind was on a person, a man, who was not of the moon, as she stared out into the distance.

_Endymion._

She had not seen him for two weeks; this was not like him, as he always visited her twice a day. What was worse was that she received nothing from him to indicate he was still alive. She worried that he was dead - or worse, had found another.

_He wouldn't._ Serenity shook her head. _Not Endymion! He's too wonderful to...eh?_

Her mind trailed off to the sound of rustling leaves. Starting, she noticed a hand come up onto her balcony, and she quickly took out one of her hairpins. With lightning speed, she stabbed the hand with the pin's needle point.

"Gaah!" A yelp came from the trellis below. "Momma!"

Unfortunately for the intruder, as he drew back, the support that connected the trellis to the castle snapped, and he found himself flying backwards onto the concrete with a squeal.

"Oh!!" Serenity looked down and gasped. "It's..."

"Oooh, my back..."

With a groan, Endymion, Prince of Earth, tossed the trellis aside and stood up, swaggering around a bit as he recovered. Upon seeing him, Serenity turned bright red, and she covered her mouth.

"No, it's, uh, ok..." The prince mumbled as he looked up. "I didn't need those discs in my spine..."

"You came..." Serenity smiled. "I'm so glad! Perhaps you can accompany me to the ball, and...we can...we can show everyone our unbreakable love?"

"Maybe...ugh...another time." Endymion looked up at the starry-eyed princess. "Something's come up."

"You..." Serenity's face fell. "...forgot your tuxedo?"

"No."

"You forgot today was the ball?"

"No..."

"You don't know how to dance?"

"NO..."

"You-"

"NO!" Endymion abruptly cut the princess off. "Whatever it is...just...NO!!"

"...But..."

Endymion sighed as the princess began to whimper. If there was one thing that could have been said to the discredit of the moon princess, it was that she seemed to cry very easily. Worse, he knew there were guards around, so he had to think quickly before she began to wail, and thus alert them to his presence.

"No, no, my sweet," he said wearily. "Don't cry; it's not you I'm mad at."

"O-oh..." Serenity sniffed. "Ok..."

"I merely come with tidings of war."

"Oh, that's sweet of-_War_?!" Serenity stopped crying, as her eyes had suddenly bugged out. "What do you mean, _war_?!?"

"Shh!" Endymion was tempted to jump up onto the balcony and throttle his professed lover. "Not so loud. If the guards find me, they'll surely kill me."

"But why?!"

"My people have decided to revolt against the moon." Serenity gasped at this. "I'm afraid they've been given false ideas for some time now, by one of my numerous stalkers."

"Your...oh, yeah." Serenity mumbled. "Was it that one sicko that publicly vowed to kiss you after she impaled your father on a stick because he didn't agree to your marriage with her?"

"That's the one." Endymion nodded solemnly. "Unfortunately, unlike all the others I've managed to collect, she also happens to be the strongest magician on Earth, and I fear - no, I _know_ - she has evil designs on you and your mother. She's already corrupted my most loyal generals, and is gathering an army of conquest. She seeks to bring lies and misfortune to your kingdom, and take it over for herself after she has flayed every last one of your people! And she is coming _right now_!"

At this, Endymion looked up and saw Serenity staring blankly at him. He began to sweat; it was apparent she had lost him somewhere between "evil designs" and "loyal generals". Either that, or she was in a state of denial; the prince wasn't too sure.

"I'll, eh..." Finally, Serenity gulped. "Take your word for it."

"Please do," Endymion replied, looking more worried. "Have I ever lied to you?"

"No."

"Then hurry and tell someone befo-"

"'Ay, who goes there?"

Both Serenity and Endymion froze as they heard the sound of guards coming down the pathway that led to the balcony. At this, Endymion gave a quick wave, and as quickly as he could, bolted off in the opposite direction.

"I think that was that prince of Earth sneaking around a public ladies' bath like a pervert with his sword..." Two guards, fully armed and in ceremonial silver armor, came in sight of the princess, huffing. "Oh, look, the pussy left at the first sign of danger. _Some_ warrior. Guess we scared _him_ off, huh?"

"Well," The other guard slapped his knees. "We'd probably do a better job if we weren't wearing so much stuff."

"Yeah, I guess so." Looking at the broken trellis, then up to the balcony, the first guard waved. "Hello, princess! Are you ok? Did he hurt you?"

"Y-yes..." Serenity blushed. "I m-mean, no, I'm all right..."

"Good!" The guard took several deep breaths. "Because I don't want to get fired."

"Come on, Jacob." At this, the other guard motioned. "We'd better get back to our posts."

"Right."

At this, the two guards began to jog back to the main gate, while the princess gave a sigh. Turning back to her bedroom doors, she pulled her hair worriedly at the thought of inevitable war. She worried, too, about Endymion, and how already the lies were spreading amongst the guards about her noble prince.

_My Endymion, in a ladies' bath??...Never..._

* * *

It didn't take very long for the armies of Earth to assemble. In fact, most of the troops had been waiting outside of the great cave, many of them shivering with anticipation and hypothermia. 

"Well, if it isn't a bit _nippy_!" Several soldiers were trying to warm each other up by hugging one another, to no avail. "You know, in other circumstances, doing this would get us stoned, you know."

"I know." Icicles had formed on the men's beards. "This better be one really good hellish demon to make us wait in this godforsaken weather!"

"Heeey! Someone shouted in the rear. "There's a cloud coming!"

"Cloud...?" At this, the soldiers looked up and frowned. "Well, of _course _there're clouds, you idiot! It's _snowing_!"

"Noo!" At this, the person in the rear shouted back. "I mean..."

All of a sudden, a black cloud burst from the cave - first like a spring, then like an inescapable billow of smoke. It hovered over the army, blocking out all else in the vicinity.

"_That_ cloud!"

"Oh, _that_ cloud." The soldiers began to cough as it descended on them. "Woah, someone's been eating chilli beans!"

"And eggs, blaaugh!" One of the soldiers took a deep breath to try and hold it, but stopped midway. "On the other hand, all of a sudden, I feel really good."

"Hey, me too!" Murmurs began "I feel like I could kill a few people right now!"

"Yeah! I feel like I can break things!" Another solder took another's polearm and smashed it in two on his knee. "Give me something to break!"

"...You asshole." The now-weaponless soldier glared at him. "That was my weapon! _Now_ how'm I supposed to decapitate people!?"

"I don't know. Use a karate chop."

"...Who do you think I am, Chuck Norris?!" At this, the weaponless soldier karate chopped the man who broke his weapon upside the neck, severing his head on contact. "I'm not a Texas Range-hey, it worked!!"

"Look, look! The Sage!"

The crowd began to shout in surprise as the smoke - and the stench - disappeared, revealing Beryl and the four Heavenly Kings walking towards them. Behind them was a giant black cloud with two red eryes, which caused some of the people present to tremble at the sight; most, however, trusted their leader and cheered.

"Behold!" In a loud, clear voice, Beryl spoke. "I bring you the Metaria monster! After centuries of imprisonment, it is now free, and shall do _our_ bidding!"

"YEAH!!!" The army began to shout. "To the moon!"

"Death to the moon queen!!"

"We shall be guided," Beryl continued. "By the power of this monster, and by the tactics of my loyal servants, the generals of Earth. We will take the moon by surprise, and establish a new order tha-"

"Hey! This guy's got a British accent!!"

A part of the crowd began to surge forward as they brought forth a bedraggled man to the front. The poor man began to tremble as people began to poke him with their weapons.

"We don't need the Beatles or sheep or those stupid pastees!!" The crowd shouted. "Let's KILL him!!"

"No, no!" Beryl waved her hand. "No killing British people! And I happen to _like_ pastees, thank you."

"Oh...Well, what about this French guy we found?!" People began to shout again as another man was pushed forward. "We can do without their fries and toast in the new order!"

"NO!"

"But-"

"We are **EARTHLINGS**!" The last word was shouted so loudly, it drove the crowd to silence. "No matter where you come from, we are ONE! We are UNITED! And we all have but ONE enemy - and they are on the moon, laughing at you and your weakness as we speak!"

"...Ok." At this, one person hissed to the outed Briton. "All right, you got off easy _this _time, Jack..."

"For honor! For conquest!"

"For POP TARTS!!"

The small crowd roared at the last hurrah, spoken by an unknown grunt. The thought of S'more and strawberry-flavored toaster pastries egged the soldiers on more than nearly anything else. It was said that the taste was both sweet and stale, and the people of Earth wished to try it out.

"...Really..."

Rolling her eyes at this as she turned back to Metaria, Beryl sighed. The monster had been retrofitted with a giant rocket inside the cave, which was attached to what was determined to be its sphincter.

"Let's just get going, ok?"

"**Graaaugh.**" The monster responded with sparkles in its eyes. "**Cookie dough...pop taaaarts...**"

"...Whatever." At this, Beryl leaped onto the monster. "Preparing gas propulsion mode! And..._**CHAAAAAARGE!!!!!**_"

"HOORAY!!" The crowd shouted in response. "LONG LIVE SAGE BERYL!!!"

Her staff glowing, the rebel struck the head of the cloud, and instantly the monster let out another bout of flatulence. This time, however, it powered the rockets, and it slowly began to rise off of the ground.

"Aaaand...we have lift off!" Immediately, the crowd swarmed towards the cloud, led by the generals. "I hope for your sakes you all went to the bathroom...!"

Soon, all of the soldiers had been enveloped inside of the demon, and, with one mighty fart, the monster suddenly blasted off. Within moments, it had passed the earth's atmosphere; the soldiers inside were magically shielded from space. Soon, it was nothing but a black dot in the Arctic sky, and even sooner than that, it had disappeared completely.

"...Hmm." At this, several polar bears began to come out of their hiding spots, looking up. "This won't end well."

"And to think, that red-haired lady believes Metaria's under her control." One of the bears shook their head. "Well, there go our planets."

"...Pity."

With that, the polar bears turned away and returned to their dens. They had planned a clam-bake for next week, but it appeared it would have to be bumped up if they were to have it before they all died. Meanwhile, the clouds parted to reveal the crystal-white full moon.

A moon with a moon kingdom that, the bears knew, would not survive the night.


	3. 2: Each Sold Separately

**WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT**

**2: Each Sold Separately**

While the people of Earth busy preparing for war, the people of the moon were busy with other things. It had been announced by the queen that there should be a great ball at the palace - one that would be remembered for generations to come. Though many balls had been held before, and on consecutive nights in a row, on this particular night the palace spared no expense to keep its people happy. The biggest ballroom was used, the sweetest and most exotic fruits were eaten, the finest wine flowed endlessly like water. Nearly everyone turned out for the event, and they were not disappointed.

"Look! Look!" Many people pointed. "The princess is _dancing_!"

"So?" One young duke shrugged as he drank his wine. "She's always dancing. By herself, of course, though it's double the fun when she's drunk."

"No, no!" Someone pointed out. "She's dancing with a _man_!"

"The last ti-" Suddenly, the duke spat his wine out. "A _MAN_?! Is he _crazy_!?!?"

At this, they all looked, and it was true; the unmasked princess was doing the tango with a masked man. He held a rose in his mouth as the stomped back and forth, barely wincing as the princess smashed his toes with every step. Shocked, the duke downed the rest of his wine; he had intended to ask for a dance, as, regardless of the princess' ability, it was a sign of favor to dance with her.

"Oh my god!" People gaped. "It's the end of the world!"

"Who _is_ that guy?"

"He's really hot-looking..." At this, several women nudged one another. "Wouldn't you like him to polish _your_ mirror? It's a bit rusty, I hear..."

"Maaaaybe..." The other woman looked coy. "After he cleans out _your_ cobwebs. I'm sure it's a bit dusty down there after ten years."

"Oh, shut up."

Serenity knew everyone was watching her and her partner dance, but she didn't care. This was her dance with the one she loved, and, from the way Endymion spoke, it could be her last. Looking up at her prince, she gave a smile.

"You're a wonderful dancer."

"Mmmm." As she dig her heel into his toe, Endymion spat the rose out of his mouth, and it landed neatly into a vase on the other side of the room. "You're not too bad. Honestly, I don't need my feet."

"Endymion..." At this, Serenity drew her lips into a pout. "Don't make fun of me!"

"...Of course. I'm sorry." At this, Endymion stopped and lowered his voice. "The music seems to have stopped. Perhaps we should carry our conversation somewhere else."

Seeing the serious look on her lover's face, Serenity gave a nod, and immediately, the couple withdrew from the dance floor. In their wake, several jealous onlookers of the various genders watched as they retired to the princess' private quarters, wondering what would happen next.

"PRINCESS SERENITY!!!" The duke, who was now clearly drunk after hastily downing ten glasses of wine, suddenly began to shout after them before being dragged off. "DON'T GO WITH THAT UGLY BASTARD!! I WANT TO _DO_ YOU LIKE A NICKEL _WHORE_!!! WOOooooo..."

* * *

While a great deal was happening inside the great ballroom, it was the near opposite at the main gate of the Moon Palace, where two lowly guards stood vigilant and accepted invitations to the ball inside. Having given up looking for the suspected prince that had been stalking the gardens, Moon Guard Jacob had returned to his post first, ogling at the last-minute arrivals to the ball, particularly the females. His partner, meanwhile, simply looked straight ahead.

"...Mmmm, another day, another masked ball." Finally, Jacob gave a yawn. "How many nights in a row is this now? I've lost count."

"So have I." His partner, Priam, sighed. "The bunions are starting to take over my feet. Though I have to say, this is the biggest ball that I can recall. And I've seen big balls."

"So have I."

"Oh? Such as?"

"...My own." Priam slowly turned his head towards Jacob, who was grinning evilly. "My girlfriend can attest to _that_."

"...Pervert."

Shaking his head, Priam simply went back to looking at the scenery around him; the gardens, the fountains, the distant outline of Hubalapolis, the capital, glistening across the river.

"Hey," at this, Jacob poked Priam. "You don't suppose anyone in there suspects anything, do ya?"

"Why does it matter?" Priam rubbed his nose. "And if they do, what are they going to do? Smack us with their parasols?"

"Well, if I were one of these rich bastards, which I'm not," Jacob nodded. "But if I _was_, I'd be going 'hang on a minute. what's with all these parties? I think the queen's trying to get us drunk!'"

"I doubt that is what they're thinking."

"Well, still." Jacob shrugged. "I'd suspect our queen was up to something."

"Just keep quiet," Priam sighed. "You know what the queen said. Don't cause a panic because of the oncoming war. It may make things worse."

"Well, all the same," Jacob rotated his shoulders. "I'm glad I know the people of Earth want to kill us."

"...Why?"

"...I hate surprises." Priam sweat as his partner answered. "When I was eight, my dad threw a surprise party for me and I was so scared I pissed my pants. Ever since then, you know?"

"Right..."

With that, Priam resumed his silence, taking out and apple and eating it as he did so. After several minutes, he narrowed his eyes; he seemed to be seeing spots in his eyes. Blinking a few times, however, he realized that one of the spots was getting bigger and more puffy-looking; in fact, it was almost heading towards them.

"Hey, Jacob?"

"Mmm, Priam?"

"...You don't suppose that's a rain cloud over the city, do you?"

"Mmm." Jacob took up a pair of binoculars. "Let me look."

With that, he held them up to his eyes, only to be met with two red eyes staring back at him, along with spears and swords poking out of the cloud. He gave a slight jump as he put his binoculars away and looked at his partner.

"Um..." he gulped. "I think that's a big monster. In fact, I think it's that one the queen told us about last week."

"Oh, Metaria?" Priam resumed eating his apple. "Shame. Well, I guess we're fucked, then."

"But...but..!" Jacob turned to his partner wide-eyed. "They weren't supposed to attack until Monday!"

"Mmm-hmm." Priam drew his sword. "Well, at least now we'll get this whole killing and genocide business over with then, eh?"

"This isn't _fair_!"

"What do you mean 'it's not fair'?"

"It's not fair," Jacob pined, "because now I can't watch the game! I had a four figure bet going on with old Jim across the river on Manchester!"

"...Oh, well, sucks to be you, doesn't it?"

"Surprises! I _hate_ surprises!!"

With that, Priam casually tossed the apple core onto the ground and began to walk through the castle gates. Whimpering about his father, Jacob followed him.

"Someone had better warn the queen..."

"Hey, wait for m-" Jacob stopped as he heard a splattering sound under his foot. "Oh, _no!_ I stepped in cat crap!"

"How terrible."

"Wait until I get my hands on those stupid felines!" Frustrated, Jacob craped the offending poop onto a stature of Serenity. "Now I'll smell like ammonia for the rest of the night...!"

"_Jacob..._"

Priam suddenly turned and grabbed Jacob, dragging him into the gates. Meanwhile, the dot hovered in the sky menacingly, warning of what was to come, for those willing to look at it.

* * *

The great Queen Serenity, though the organizer of the ongoing great ball, was not present. She was, instead, in one of the receiving rooms of the palace, surrounded by papers and maps on a large marble table. With her was her army commander, a tall, imposing man of 200 years old.

"General Odd." The queen sat in a large chair, rubbing her head. "We have seventy-two hours until the invasion of the Earth people. I don't need to tell you how important it is that we have a strategy to combat what could be a very gruesome battle, and I need to know what countermeasures you and your staff have come up with to defray, or if possible...prevent a tragedy from occurring."

With a nod the general paced back and forth in a a style of importance. After a moment, he turned back to the table, which had a diagram of the moon palace on top.

"Well, your Highness," General Odd took out a stack of papers with diagrams. "I agree that it would be a tragedy to allow this to happen. But, we have a chance to defeat the inevitable onslaught and mayhem if we nip the problem in the bud. So, I propose this plan: we send our finest warriors inside a giant replica of the rebel Beryl and send it to her court. Then, we have them come out of it at night and slaughter everyone they can find, using the Maxim guns we'll install in the statue's magnificently huge and ornately carved bosom. Except for Beryl, of course, who will be condemned to watch re-runs of _Seinfeld_ for all eternity, which is a fate worse than death."

"...No, I don't think that will work." Serenity shook her head. "We won't have guns for another thousand years or so."

"...Well, then!" Throwing the paper diagrams away, Odd presented another piece of paper, pointing out various lines and dots. "How about Plan B, where we build a giant bridge from here to Earth. The sight of us building such a technological marvel will frighten the rebels out of wanting to battle us. It should take..." The general counted fingers. "About 357 years to complete."

"But we don't _have_ 357 years, general."

"...Right!" Sweating a little, the general took out yet another piece of paper. "Plan C, then, is a surefire success. We'll gather all of the women we can find here on the moon and engage the male populace of Earth in a giant, month-long orgy never before seen anywhere in the universe! Then, we have the women demand child support from the men when they become pregnant, which will cause such an economic strain on Beryl's forces that they'll have no choice but to capitulate and take care of the children."

"..._General._" The queen was beginning to look exasperated. "Do you have a plan that's _logical_?"

"...What?" The general blinked. "You...didn't like Plan C? That was _my_ favorite."

"What I didn't like was the fact that we have absolutely no strategy to fight the rebels!"

"No, no, that's not true your Highness!" Quickly, General Odd took out one last piece of paper. "We have Plan D. Plan D is an amazing plan, which took us days to formulate. We all agreed it was the most logical plan, after Plan C."

"And _what_, exactly, is Plan D?"

"...Piss our pants and surrender and hope for the best." The general nodded. "Because there's no way we're going to win."

At this, the queen bent down and banged her head on the table. It was bad enough that Beryl was planning to unleash the great evil; she didn't have an army to stand against her. Worse, the people in command of the precious few soldiers she had were absolute lunatics. She rarely lost her temper, but this time, she could feel her blood boil at the incompetence.

"Ok...Ok, I won't...I'm calm...General Odd." Exasperated, the queen again looked at her commander of the army. "We may not have a plan, so we'll just have to deal with a frontal assault when it comes. I need to know how many men we can muster against the enemy so we can prepare our formations. How many people do you have that are battle ready?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Soldiers." Serenity's eyes narrowed. "People trained to use swords."

"Oh, right, _soldiers_!" The general nodded, then counted his fingers again. "Well, that's easy to answer."

"Thankfully."

"We have fifty."

"_Fifty_?!"

"That's right." The general nodded proudly. "A nice, even number, easy to remember."

"You..._are _joking, right?!" Serenity grabbed the man's shoulders. "Or are you telling me that in the past two hundred years as my commander, you've only trained enough to screw the proverbial light bulb?!" Her face began to turn red, a sign she was very angry. "You were assigned to train _at least_ 10,000 soldiers in peacetime! Where are the other 9,950 soldiers?!"

"...But, your Highness..." The general gulped. "Listen to _reason_! Screwing a _light bulb_?! That's _painful_-"

"**GET OUT!**"

With that, Serenity grabbed the general's sword and smacked him in the forehead with the pommel hilt. Before the general could protest, he was hit again, and sent scurrying out of the room, crying like a baby.

"Of all the...!"

With that, the queen threw the sword to the ground and sank down into her chair, shaking her head. She wanted to cry so desperately at what she had just witnessed. In other ways, she blamed herself, for hand-picking General Odd, for not paying more attention to the army, for not being a hardass when it came to defense. Though many of it was simply oversight, more than one person could handle, she still cursed herself, wishing she had a way to be less screwed than she was, and with only seventy-two hours left until the end of the world...

"Sire!"

Her head came up as two of her guards marched into the room. Bowing, the two guards looked at her, waiting for the other to speak.

"...Yes, privates?"

"Go on, Priam." At this, Jacob poked his partner. "You tell her."

"What?!" At this, Priam shook his head. "No, _you_ tell her! You spotted it on the binoculars!"

"Well, _you_ spotted it first!"

"Well, _you_-"

"_PLEASE!_" The two were interrupted by Serenity's growl. "I've had too much inanity for one day, I don't need anymore! Private," at this, she turned to Jacob. "What _is_ it?"

"Uh, ok." Rotating his shoulders, Jacob sighed. "Well, uh, we just spotted the Metaria monster coming from Earth. And it's coming this way, really fast, presumably with a bunch of forces."

The look of annoyance on the queen's face turned into one of horror. Clutching her chest, she almost fell to the floor.

"My queen," Priam started. "I'm sorry..."

"No...!"

"That's what _I_ said!" Jacob pointed and nodded. "I couldn't believe it myself! I figured they'd wait until after the game on Sunday-"

"Oh, will you _shut up_ about that game?!" Priam smacked him in the head. "No one cares!"

"Guards," Serenity spoke, this time with a tone of urgency. "Find my daughter, and bring her to the Prayer Tower. That is an order!"

"Uh, ok..."

With that, the guards quickly bowed and made their exit. Their argument resumed after leaving the room, and it echoed through the hall.

"You idiot..."

"Oh, come on! Don't tell me..."

As their argument echoed down the hall, the queen leaned onto the wall, looking down to the floor. As the words of her guards sunk in, she began to slowly walk out of the room, clutching the brooch on her chest.

_Then there's...no time left..._

* * *

"Endymion..."

Serenity sat on her bed, rubbing her finger across the pattern of the blankets. Endymion, meanwhile, was at her desk, jotting on a piece of paper. What he was writing, she couldn't see, but she was sure it was important.

"If what you say is true...and...this is really happening..." She looked over at the prince, worried. "What can we do to stop it?"

"What we can, my dear..." Interrupted by the princess, Endymion put the letter into his pants, and turned back to Serenity. "Sorry, just writing a quick letter to the queen, asking her pardon after the battle."

"Of course..."

At this, Serenity turned to look at her pillows, thinking of all the things she would inevitably miss if her mother lost the battle. Birthdays, Christmases, weddings, balls, more balls...Serenity found she couldn't think of anything else. She gave a sigh.

"My love." Suddenly, Endymion's arm was around her. "You know how much I love you. You are the one thing in life that makes me happy."

"Oh..." Serenity blushed. "Oh, Endymion..."

"But our world will soon end." His voice softened. "And...before I go and fight for you...I ask...only one thing of you. One request."

"What is it, my love?"

At this, Endymion bent down and whispered into her ear. Serenity's eyes widened at the words he spoke.

"...Let me suck you."

"...Wh-_what_!?" Serenity suddenly drew back. "What kind of request is that!?"

"Oh, darling." Quickly, Endymion grabbed her hand, speaking in a soothing voice. "You know I'm not one to make such strange demands unless it was urgent. Besides," his words were whispered. "You know how I have wished to marry you. To cherish you for the longest time, since I laid eyes on you. But that might never happen now."

"But..."

"It is just one request, my lady." Endymion whispered some more as he started to slide her sleeves off of her shoulders, revealing her small, alluring, cream-colored and cream-filled breasts to him. "One request in order that you and I may have one moment of ecstasy in our dreary lives. And if I were to die, you may never get the chance again to have me, nor I you. What wonders you and I would miss out on, us being poor young frustrated virgins who would lose one another before our prime, before the end of the _world_!"

"But what if you..."

"If I live? Then of course, I shall marry you...right here, right now..." At this, Endymion began to gingerly cup her left breast and kiss it. "Mmm...no misconduct can be charged against those who have exchanged vows and rings and are husband and wife, not even if we are from different planets. Either way, true love should not be denied, Serenity..."

Serenity gave a slight moan as he began to fondle her; the prince spoke a language that she could relate to and understand. Marriage. That was her dream, to marry him and have him lawfully. To finally have him recognized as her consort.

_True love..._

"Mmm!" As he proceeded to slide the dress down to her stomach she stopped him. "Just a moment. I need to get a ring."

"A ring?"

"For our vows."

"Oh, yes...of course..."

Endymion turned red as Serenity quickly got up and went to her jewelry box. Out came two rings - one with a gaudy topaz, the other a small diamond - and she promptly returned to the bed.

"Here." She clasped his hand as she slipped the gaudy ring onto his finger. "This is for you."

"Yes..." As quickly as he could, Endymion put the diamond on her finger. "For you, my darling..."

Before Serenity could respond again, he was resuming the undressing, slowly laying her down on her back when the dress only covered her legs, kissing her stomach as he did. The moon princess began to shudder as he did this; after a moment, it stopped. She looked to see that he was unzipping his pants.

"Ah..." She began to panic. "Wait, wait."

"What _now_?"

"Endymion." At this, Serenity looked at her lover. "The vows?"

"Vows?"

"We have to exchange vows, remember?"

"...Ooh, right." Sighing, Endymion paused. "How is this, then? Serenity, I love you forever."

"...That's not a vow!" Pouting, Serenity crossed her arms, covering her chest. "You're not being serious..."

"W-wait, yes I am." Quickly, Endymion corrected himself. "Here. My dearest love...you are my first and last. My one and only. Please be mine, so I may honor you and your own forever." He kissed her. "I love you, Serenity."

"That's better." She returned the kiss. "Now for me. Endymion, I...oh..."

She found herself unable to finish, for Endymion was again kissing her body, while simultaneously unzipping his pants. She gulped as she saw his hardened penis emerge, and she tried to recollect her thoughts to finish her vow in order to make it safe for her to be with Endymion. However, it was hard to concentrate with Endymion's stroking of her own private parts with his fingers; she couldn't see it, but she sure could feel it.

"I...I..." she groaned as he continued, while he positioned himself for penetration. "I promise...oh...t-to...che_rish_...oh...Endymion...wait, I...hooo...Oh, _stoooop_!"

"PRINCESS!!"

The ecstasy was replaced by sheer terror; in ant instant, Endymion had rolled of the other side of the bed, his member still out and erect, as the door was thrown open by one of the guards. With a scream Serenity leaped out of bed covered her bare parts with a pillow, her face ashen as she turned to face the intruder.

"I have a message from your mother...!!" Jacob rushed in, pole axe in hand, and saw Serenity. "What the...what _are_ you doing?!"

"I..." Turning red, Serenity struggled for an answer. "I...was hot. Yes! Very hot. And I was getting undressed."

"...In _bed_?"

"Uh..." The princess gulped. "W-well, y-you see..."

"...'Ay, relax, your Highness." At this, Jacob smirked. "Everyone does it when no one's looking. It's no secret. Don't worry, I won't tell on you."

"Uh, uh..." Serenity nodded. "Ok..."

"Well, eh, your mother wants you at the Prayer Tower ASAP, so..." Jacob gave a salute. "See you there!"

With that, the door closed, and Serenity felt her heart beating again. Picking her dress up and putting it back on, she went to the other side of the bed.

"That was close," she gave a nervous chuckle. "I'm sorry, my dearest. I guess I will have to complete my vows-"

She abruptly stopped, and took a step back with a sigh, holding her throat. Her beloved Endymion was gone.

* * *

Jacob was all beams as he strode down the stairs. His already lecherous mind was filled with even more lecherous thoughts, and the thought of the princess in the state she was in - and thoughts of what she was doing while _in_ it - was certainly enough to brighten his night right up.

"Aaah, screw the game, that was a Kodak moment." At this, he noticed several guests staring at him. "What?"

"You...nose is bleeding, sir knight."

"...Oh!" Wiping his nose with his fingers, Jacob snorted. "Well, of _course_ it would be. Have any of you got a Kleenex?"

Reluctantly, one of the guests handed Jacob a handkerchief, and without another word the private blew his nose. When he went to hand it back, it was refused.

"Well, if you say so...eh?" Jacob tilted his head. "What...?"

Looking over, he noticed that the table was shaking slightly, as was anything that was on it. It was a slight tremor, one that did no damage, but everyone else noticed it.

"A...moonquake?" The guests looked at one another. "Is that even a phrase?"

"I don't know." Another guest scratched their head. "I didn't ever think about it."

"Well, that's something to ponder over biscuits, yes?"

"Well, I prefer bagels myself..."

Jacob took the opportunity to slip away unseen, stuffing the cloth in his pocket as he did so. Only he knew what was actually happening to the people in the room, and he was beginning to wonder how much longer it would take for others to figure it out.

_Well, it won't be long now..._

Going outside, Jacob saw that the black cloud was literally covering the sky. Dots began to fall out of it, each shimmering white. It was the army of Metaria, and they were ready.

Ready to end the world.

"I..._aaaawwww_," Jacob heard a splat under his feet and gave a moan. "Stupid cats! I stepped in it _again!_"


	4. 3: Buy One, Get One Free

**WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT**

**3: Buy One, Get One Free**

The first rumblings of war were barely felt by the people of the moon. Those who actually felt it chalked it up to their imagination, while others simply ignored the slight shaking of the tables, and glasses, and chandeliers.

As the night drove on, however, the tremors became stronger, and more people began to notice it. Though many tried to continue their dancing without care, others were wondering what was going on.

"Oh dear," one woman remarked. "I hope we don't have tapeworms under the palace."

"My dear lady," someone murmured to her. "I think you mean _graboids_."

* * *

It was on the border of the city that the victorious Earth army gathered for the great assault. It wasn't hard to be victorious on the moon; the capital city was the only major city on the planet, and the rest of the planet was bare of inhabitants. Merely to touch down on the surface was a sign of victory; it was the first time any invading force had ever landed on the moon in many thousands of years.

"All right, men! We've taken the whole of the planet!" Jadeite cried to his platoon as the army stuck a flag with the colors of Earth into the ground. "Now, onto the capital city of Hubalapolis!!"

"Wait!!" Another soldier shouted. "What about the people in the capital city? What do we do with them, commander?"

"Well, we..." Jadeite had to think for a moment before thrusting his fist into the air. "...KILL THEM ALL!!"

"**HO!!**"

This met with a roar of approval from the rest of the soldiers, just as Beryl appeared on the battlefield. She looked at the crowd as they drew their sword, shouting for the blood of the moon people, setting their sites on destroying the bloom of the civilization they invaded.

"No!" Her voice rang out sharp and clear. "You are to kill just the men. That's an _order_!"

"...Uh, right, just the men." Jadeite gulped. "Uh, ok, then, soldiers...kill the men, and...and RAPE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!"

"**YEAH!!**"

"What?!" Beryl's eyes bugged out. "Wait, wait, wait..."

"Right!" Various soldiers began to shout out various things at once. "Let's strap 'em down to their beds and RAVISH THEM!!"

"Let's sell them as SEX SLAVES!!"

"MASTURBATE on them!!"

"Do it with THREE at a TIME!!!"

"Let's take the pregnant women," someone suddenly said, "and SHOOT THEM ALL OUT OF A CANNON!!!!! YEAH!!!!"

"Uh..."

The crowd suddenly stopped at that one, looking a little confused. Slowly, however, their frenzy and desire for revenge in general took over, and they began to cheer the idea, accepting it as their own. Soon, they were talking about the best projectory they would use to make the spectacle as bloody as possible, and how hard the pregnant women should hit the side of various buildings.

"**STOP THIS INSTANT!!**" Beryl's voice roared over the commotion. "There will be no shooting of pregnant women out of cannons! You fools, what kind of demented and sadistic idea _is_ that?!"

"Oh..." The crowd became somewhat crestfallen at this. "Ok, then we'll just toss them over the walls..."

"NOW!!" Everyone jumped as Beryl slammed her wand into the ground. "I will not have this turn into an unchecked orgy! This is a _battlefield_, not a _harem_!" She glared at her armies. "You are each allowed three grown, _non-pregnant_ women to rape! Those remaining, and all of the children, shall be locked up. And I'll know if anyone disobeys!!"

"Aw..."

"But..." Quickly, Nephrite noticed the morale and boosted it up. "Three women is better than none! And...just imagine...the pain you'll inflict on those moon families when you rape their women! And all the men shall be dead, so their sorrow will be tenfold! It's the perfect revenge for the people who enslaved _us_!"

Beryl smirked as the troops heard their general and began to come around to his point of view. Some began to nod, and others, to cheer. She was glad to have him on her side; if there was ever a general who was as charismatic as she was, it was Nephrite.

"Yes! Let them live and _suffer_!" Nephrite unsheathed his sword and pointed it towards the capital city. "To battle!! LONG LIVE THE SAGE!!!"

"**LONG LIVE SAGE BERYL!!!**"

With a roar, the men began to charge forward, their swords in the air, ready to take on anyone and anything in their way. As she stood alongside her generals, Beryl gave Nephrite a smile.

"That was some good bullshit, right there." Beryl gently patted him on the back. "For a moment I was afraid they'd actually try looking for cannons, even though those haven't been invented yet."

"Of course, my lady. Always a pleasure to regulate bloodshed for a would-be tyrant."

"Have you found those sailor guardians yet?"

"Not a sign of them," Nephrite shook his head. "They're probably at the palace."

"Well, we'll deal with them when we get to them." Beryl looked around herself, confused. "Wh... where is Zoicite?"

"...Oh." Jadeite tapped his chin. "He went to do some reconnaissance by the Moon Palace, apparently."

"Lovely."

Beryl huffed at this, and she began to walk forward, staff in hand. Her remaining generals followed; Kunzite, as always, was last, his hardened look not changing since they had left Earth, still looking as if he needed to find a toilet.

"Well, let's get this over with." Already, flames began to shoot out of various buildings in Hubalopolis. "I want to have my breakfast in the palace. French toast, of course. _Onward_!"

* * *

"Are they here yet?"

"No."

"...Now?"

"No, your Highness." Priam shook his head. "I don't see them anywhere."

Queen Serenity nodded, then began to pace back and forth inside the basement of the Prayer Tower. It was there that she had decided to take refuge, to plan something resembling a strategy and to protect her daughter. However, her worries increased as time went by and the tremors of the enemy grew stronger, and there was no sign of her daughter or the guard who went to fetch her.

"Don't worry, my Queen," Priam smiled reassuringly. "Private Jacob is a dependable soldier as any. He'll rescue your daughter."

"I'm glad." Queen Serenity sighed. "It's good to know I have at least _one_ reliable soldier in my kingdom."

She spoke with bitterness, though Priam decided not to wonder what that meant. A silence passed between them, though they didn't have to speak, as the tremors grew even stronger.

"And," Finally, Priam spoke. "Your Highness, what about me?"

"...Yes...I know I can trust you." At this, the queen smiled. "You've always been loyal to me."

"...Thank you, my queen-"

Priam suddenly stopped. He was unable to continued, for at that moment, the ground began to tremble, and the sound of rocks falling on the floor above caused both their hearts to leap.

Then the door swung open, and both queen and private screamed.

"Right, I'm back!" Walking through the doorway, Jacob nodded as he looked at the astounded queen and Priam. "I see you're all safe too. Excellent!"

"Private..." Queen Serenity stared at Jacob, her face ashen. "...Where's the princess?!"

"Oh, in her room," Jacob replied as he closed the door. "I told her to come here after she got her clothes back on."

"You were supposed to escort her to this place!" The queen cried. "And what do you mean, her clothes were off?!"

Jacob didn't answer, for they were suddenly knocked violently onto the ground. The sound of rocks became an avalanche, and the door bent with the weight of stones pressed up against it.

"Oh no!!" Priam tried to push the door open, only to find himself unable to. "We're trapped!"

"Well," Jacob said cheerfully, "at least we're safe for now!"

"You..." Priam looked ready to strangle him. "Thank you for making me eat my _words_, you bastard!"

"So much for dependability, private..."

"What _are_ you talking about?!"

"You were _supposed_ to bring Princess Serenity _here_!!!" Priam was almost screaming at him. "Now who knows what will happen to her! And you saw her naked! What possessed you to _do_ that!?"

"She was like that when I came in!" Jacob protested. "Honest!"

"I don't believe this..."

There was a long, uncomfortable silence at this. Both Priam and Serenity glared at Jacob, both longing to hurt him for what he did. Both, however, held their tempers, but not for long.

"...Well, would it make you both feel any better," Jacob managed to get in before the queen's fist connected to his face, "to say that the princess has been working out?"

* * *

"When do you think they'll come?"

The four sailor senshi, defenders of the moon kingdom, were sitting passively on the bridge leading from the capital to the Moon Palace, eating pop tarts. Leading them was valiant Venus, her hair flying in the wind.

"I still can't believe those guys betrayed us." Mars kicked a stone across the bridge. "Seriously. What does that evil witch Beryl have that we don't?"

"Boobs?"

"...Shut up." Mars glared at Jupiter. "I was being rhetorical."

"Well," Jupiter shrugged. "Don't act as if you're the only one who's mad about this. I mean, look at Venus."

At this, the two sailors turned to their leader, who was still standing, one foot on the ledge of the bridge, her hair still whipping about her. On her face was an expression of seriousness - serious enough that her nose was crinkled, and her face was a snarl. One way Mars could have described the mood of her leader would have been that she looked like she was ready to go in her drawers.

"Ok..." Mars looked back at Jupiter. "What about Venus?"

"Oh, come on," The brunette soldier snorted. "You know about her and Kunzite."

"Uh, yes, I do." Mars sighed again. "Everyone does - it's the worst kept secret ever."

"And Venus has been taking this whole war thing worse than all of us," Jupiter nodded. "She's had that expression on her face since she found out that he's working for Sage Boobies on Display."

"Please," at this, Mercury spoke up. "Can we please stop talking about breasts? It's not really dignified."

"So what?"

"Yeah." At this, Mars gave a coy smile. "Just because, you know, you're the only one big enough to h_ave_ them, Jupiter..."

"Don't _even_ go there-"

Suddenly, the roar of battle echoed in the distance. Immediately, soldierly shouts could be heard as the people of Earth were unleashed, and they tore through the city. Several buildings shook as they collapsed, and shattered glass was thrown everywhere as the invaders smashed their way into various houses.

"KILL THE MOON PEOPLE!!" The cries of the soldiers were heard. "CHOP OFF THEIR HEADS!!"

"You know, we should go-"

"No." Mercury shook her head authoritatively. "The queen ordered us to guard the bridge, and that's what we're going to do."

"But what about all the people in the city?!"

"..._What_ people?" Mercury stared. "They're almost all in the main ballroom in the palace. There's no one to kill!"

Suddenly, flames began to shoot through the sky — the city was catching fire. Smoke began to pour into the sky, blanketing out the stars, and even melting several buildings on impact. Behind them was the giant black cloud, its red eyes looking down at the destruction.

"...Damnit."

"There goes the city."

* * *

In the palace, some people caught sight of the flames shooting across the sky. No one took notice of the smoke, instead marveling at all the colors that the flames donned as they shot up and disappeared in a puff of light.

"Oooh!" People naively began to point and clap. "Fireworks! The queen is _splendid! _Bravo! Bravo!!"

* * *

"Man, I wish these guys would hurry up and attack us!" Jupiter slammed her fist into her palm after ten minutes. "I want to kill those numbskulls!"

"Earth people are _not_ numbskulls, Jupiter!"

"Then," Jupiter turned to Mercury. "What do you _suggest_ we call them?"

"Ur..." At this, Mercury blushed. "I don't know."

"How about you, Venus...wait." Jupiter stopped when she saw that the orange-clad soldier's expression didn't change. "Never mind."

"I hope Venus switches legs before she loses feeling." Mars blinked. "Really, how _does_ she do that?"

"Shh..."

Meanwhile, the carnage continued in the city. The shouts of little kids as they were forced out of their homes, the sight of pop tarts flying in the air, the smell of burning bacon and cheese.

"This is pretty bad..."

"FOOOOOOOOOOORward!"

The senshi jumped as they heard the loud shout coming from their end of the bridge. Quickly they turned to face whatever was there, their arms brought up into defensive positions, only to find themselves facing a long, grey trunk.

"What the...?"

The four senshi - Venus with her sourpuss face - looked up at the fifty-foot-tall elephant, bedecked in silver armor and silver booties. On top of the giant elephant was the entire army of the moon, all fifty men armed with arrows, led by General Odd. Everyone was strapped onto the elephant by a seemingly overcomplicated device, which connected everyone to one another.

"Senshi!" General Odd was dressed in silver armor, and he took out his sword and waved it at the girls. "Stand aside and let us do our job!"

"...What _are_ you doing?"

"Plan H202-C, children!" The general nodded to his men. "This mighty elephant from the plains of Africa is stronger than anything else in the two worlds, and from up here we can launch a ranged offensive. No person can withstand the onslaught of this creature and live!"

"...I doubt it." Jupiter scratched her head. "Where're the rest of your men?"

"Ah! You of little faith! Just like her Majesty!" The general laughed as he roused the elephant onward. "You may have the strength of the gods, and the Earthlings may have strength in numbers. But _we_, my dears, have strength in _genius!_"

The senshi began to sweat at this bold assertion. Meanwhile, the elephant stomped past them, amid the cheers of the moon army, which turned and sneered at the girls; they had always been jealous of the senshi and their powers, and it was finally time to show that they were better.

"All right, men!" The general shouted to his men. "You know what to do. Mow through these bastards; they will cower in fear at the sight of this fearsome beast! Then, we go down to Earth and commence with the month-long orgy!"

"SIR!" There were sparkles in the men's eyes as they heard the plan. "YES **SIR**!"

So the elephant lumbered into the burning capital, trumpeting loudly as it did. At the sound, soldiers began to look around, confused, until they spotted the animal using its trunk to smash buildings so that it could fit through the streets.

"What the...an _elephant_?" The Earthlings stared as the elephant stomped towards them. "What the hell's _this_ all about?"

"Maybe it wants peanuts."

"I think these moon people have lost _their_ peanuts." At this, one of the soldiers jumped down from the roof he was on. "General!"

"What is it?" At this, Nephrite appeared out of a bank, his hands full of bags. "What do you...oh. That."

"Yeah." The soldier nodded as the elephant plodded closer. "What do you want us to do with that? Stab it to death and sell its tusks?"

"No!" At this, Nephrite turned and went back into the bank. "That's not funny enough. Corpor_al_!"

"Yes, sir!"

"You still have it?"

"Sure do, sir!"

"Good, let it loose."

With a nod, the corporal opened its hands, and out popped a fluffy little white mouse, which quickly scurried outside for air. Looking around, its nose twitching, it saw the elephant and began to hobble towards it curiously.

"Forward!" General Odd shouted with victorious rancor. "I think they're retreating!..."

Then the elephant saw the mouse, and it let out a frightened trumpet. Confused, the general began to hit the side of the elephant's head to calm it down, but it wouldn't.

"Come on, what's the matter?!" The general mumbled. "Quit being a baby and chaAAAAAAAUGH!!!!"

It was at that moment that the elephant chose to buck, causing several of the moon men to hang off of the side of the animal, flailing helplessly. Then, it turned around - smashing buildings and men as it did - and began to run back towards the bridge as fast as it could. The mouse, meanwhile, scampered to follow, only to lose interest and leap into a sewage drain.

"No!! NO!!!" The men screamed as General Odd cried out without success. "Retreat _backwards_, you stupid animal!! No! the _river_-"

The general had no time to react, for, as the elephant went to cross the bridge, it slipped, and tumbled into the water, unable to swim due to its heavy armor. Being fastened to the elephant did the moon army no favors, either; they shrieked and struggled, they hit each other and stabbed their comrades with arrows. But it did them no good, and soon, all that was left were a few large air bubbles rising to the surface.

"HOORAY!!" The crowd roared. "THAT'LL TEACH YOU! STUPID IMMORTALS! HAHAHA!!"

"Yeah!" Someone shouted. "That's for not ever listening to us!"

"This is forever ignoring our cries of pain!"

"This is for my _homies_ in De-_TROOOOOOOIT_!!"

There was cheering and dancing among the soldiers who had seen what had happened; meanwhile, more flames began to shoot up across the city. Watching the mayhem, Nephrite could only smile.

"Well, one obstacle down to the Moon Palace." His eyes narrowed in order to focus on the bridge. "And four very sexy obstacles left to go..."

* * *

On the bridge, the senshi watched as the elephant plunged into the river, and with it, the entire moon army. None of them - aside from Venus - could suppress a chuckle.

"Yup," Mars snorted. "There's strength in _genius_ for you."


	5. 4: Some Assembly Required

**WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT**

**4: Some Assembly Required**

After the downfall of the moon's army, it was only a matter of time before they got to the bridge which connected the now-razed Hubalapolis and the Moon Palace. Sage Beryl led the army, looking across the way towards the opposition. Across the way, the four sailor soldiers had taken up positions near the other end, and they waited.

"There they are," the sage pointed. "The last line of defense. Once they fall, the Moon Palace will be ours to do what we like to it. Where _is_ Zoisite..."

"Excellent." Nephrite nodded to Jadeite, who was going to nod to Kunzite until he saw the latter's face. "So, how many troops are we going to send to handle the girls?"

"...What do you mean, 'how many'?"

"I mean..." Nephrite paused. "Beryl, you're not _really_ going to-"

The next thing Nephrite knew, Beryl and the bulk of the army were several hundred yards away, having left the three generals with several dozen troops - and the Metaria monster - to face the sailor senshi.

"Good luck!" From a pile of rubble, Beryl waved. "Have fun, boys!"

"Oh, _thanks_," Jadeite mumbled. "Why do I have a feeling she planned this the entire time?"

"I wouldn't be surprised. Everyone assumes we're doing them." Nephrite suddenly felt Kunzite's glare on him, and he quickly corrected himself. "But...uh, we _all_ know it's untrue."

"General!" At this, the soldiers began to shout. "We're bored. Let's go kill them!"

"Just a moment, troops." Jadeite gulped. "I don't know if having that giant monster is a good idea. That thing gives me bad feelings - I think it may do something terrible."

"...It's a fucking _monster_, Jadeite." Nephrite stared at Jadeite. "You're not exactly _supposed_ to skip in a daisy field with it."

"Hey!" The soldiers began to grumble. "Can we _please_ go attack those girls now?"

"**Rar...kill.**"

The generals looked at their troops, who were clearly yearning to fight. Then they looked up at the Metaria monster, whom none of them trusted. Even the Metaria monster looked ready to kill.

At this, Jadeite sighed.

"I wish Zoisite hadn't gone off." At this, he drew his sword, signaling his soldiers to fall back. "I'd have made him go first."

"Chicken."

"Am not!"

"All right!" Ignoring his comrade, Nephrite held his hand up. "We shall go. Troops, stay with the monster until I give the signal."

"What?" The troops began to get mad. "We don't get to kill those disgusting harlots!? You greedy bastards!"

"A_hem_." Nephrite put his hands on his hips. "Do you want Pop-Tarts after this battle? Then you'll do as I say! Or should I start passing out the boxes of Fruit Loops _now_?"

This immediately stopped the grumbling. If there was one way to put down a potential rebellion, Nephrite knew, it was to threaten the ungrateful fodder with an unending supply of badly-flavored dry cereal. It was practically no different from the meals they got on Earth, and the thought of having it day in and day out drove the Earthlings insane.

"Good." Nephrite pointed. "Fellow brethren, for_ward_!"

With that, the three Heavenly Kings began their march into history, their battle with the girls who were their equals inevitable. Behind them went their troops, grumbling about how unfair their generals were being. And behind i them /i was the Metaria monster, whose presence made everyone uncomfortable. Despite its apparent power-enhancing abilities and Beryl's reassurances, none of the soldiers — especially, none of the generals — were certain they could count on it. Some were even wondering just how long it would be before they would be betrayed...

Most, however, were not thinking of the monster's inherent capacity to do evil. They were thinking of Fruit Loops and how much they _hated_ them, as they went into their next decisive skirmish in their destruction of the moon. That alone was enough to spur them to madness.

* * *

"I can't believe this is happening."

Queen Serenity gave a long sigh as she ran her fingers through her silver hair. One long, agonizing hour had passed since she became trapped in the basement of the Prayer Tower, or, at this point, what was left of it. The more time that passed, the more worried she became.

"I'm trapped," she said in a low voice, looking at the two guards with her. "Trapped while my kingdom is dying. Trapped while my princess is attacked. All because of the actions," At this, the queen's eye slightly strayed towards her left, "of a fool."

"Mmm?" At this, Jacob looked up from the mirror he was looking into and blinked. A spot of blood was on his cheek. "I'm sorry, what's happening?"

"...Nothing." Serenity turned away. "Nothing at all."

There was a silence at this. With a shrug, Jacob went back to looking in the mirror and popping unsightly pimples; Priam merely rolled his eyes.

"...There must be a way." Serenity stared at the floor. "There must be a way to prevent the total destruction of the moon."

"I agree, your Majesty."

"Eh," At this, Jacob looked up again from his mirror. "Seriously, Priam, be realistic. We're going to die. There's nothing we can do about it."

"J_acob..._"

"We'll either be uncovered and they'll kill us on the spot," Jacob sighed nonchalantly. "Or we'll suffocate from lack of air because they never find us. So much for the game on Saturday."

"_Jacob!_"

"Sorry!" Jacob held his hands up. "Just baring my soul before the inevitable end. You know, bonding. Sharing the secrets of my life with a close friend and a woman who happens to be my chosen sovereign."

"Secrets. Right." Priam grumbled. "And just what kind of secret is so amazingly important that we have to know them?"

"The darkest! Like...you know what I'd like before I inevitably die?" Jacob nods. "I'd like to have a _ménage a trois_."

"A _what_?!"

"Yeah, I mean, every guy should have one once before he dies." Jacob beamed. "With two women, not two guys."

"Sir..."

"No offense, your Highness, and I love my girlfriend and all, but honestly!" Jacob stood up. "You have to admit, it's a great fantasy to indulge in when it's two women. No one gets hurt, and you can do both sides of the spectrum."

"Honestly, this is not an appropriate discussion for this moment," Priam glared. "Private."

"Oh, come on!" Jacob laughed. "You can't say you've never wanted to do two women at the same time! And, I mean, we're soldiers, so women love us."

"And..." Priam mumbled. "Let me guess, since you assume your girlfriend is going to die a bloody death, you'll just get this fantasy of yours on with one of the survivors."

"Oh, no, my friend!" Jacob violently shook his head. "The Earth women! I hear they're _monsters_. Besides, this is _genocide_, but if I have to die, I will go out with an _orgasm_!"

Priam moaned at his friend's resolve, and was ready to smash him in the face, whether or not Queen Serenity was present. However, before his fist connected with any part of his partner's body, the queen was in between them, pushing them apart.

"_Please_," she implored, her voice clearly strained. "This is the _last_ thing I need right now. No fighting, no apocalyptic pessimism and _you_," at this, she gave Jacob a pointed glare. "No more sexual fantasies."

"Aww..." Jacob stopped when he saw his queen was serious. "Oh, all right."

"Listen." With that, the two soldiers looked at their queen. "I've had time to think about it, and...I think there may be a way to save my people."

"Does it involve Italian plumbers?"

"...No..." Priam looked at Jacob weirdly as the queen continued. "No, it involves an artifact of the greatest importance. One so powerful...it can destroy an entire planet."

"Oh, the Death Star?"

"_No!_ I mean..." Queen Serenity paused to recompose herself. "Private, please don't interrupt me."

"Yes, _please_, Jacob." At this, Priam pummeled Jacob in the stomach, causing him to fall to the floor in a spasm of pain. "Don't interrupt the queen!"

"Yes..." A distant look crept into Serenity's eyes. "I may just have to do it. I may have to use...the Silver Crystal."

"...What...?"

The color drained from Priam's face when he heard the queen's words. He had heard of it; he didn't know of a moon soldier that hadn't heard of the Silver Crystal. It's name was legendary, and it's powers even more so. But with the power, it was whispered among his superiors, came a price, and Priam could not help but wonder just how much of a price his queen was willing to pay to save her people.

"The Silver Crystal?" Suddenly, Jacob's pained voice brought him back to reality. "What's that?...aaugh, Priam, that was my _sternum!_"

* * *

Finally, the three generals reached the other side of the bridge. In front of them were the four legendary sailor senshi, and as soon as the generals got within several feet of them, they quickly got into position, their fingers pointed at the incoming army.

For a moment, no one spoke. Each side simply looked at one another with daggers in their eyes. Centuries of distrust were finally coming to a head, and the senshi and generals, the most visible symbols. Whatever was going to be said would be remembered forever by generations to come.

"Mmmm..." Finally, Nephrite looked at the pointed fingers and smiled. "You know, it's not polite to point."

"Oh my God..."

"Are you kidding?!"

"Come _on!_" There was a collective groan among the Earth soldiers. "That's so stupid!"

"Shut up. I'm trying diplomacy for a change." Nephrite turned to Jadeite. "You know. Mano a mano, negotiating with a person of equal status - who happens to be extremely sexy, I might add - in the spirit of mercy."

"Oh, I'm sure _that'll_ last," mumbled Jadeite. "Captain Blood."

"Just give me a chance." With a shrug, Nephrite turned to Jupiter. "Hi there. Pardon the mess, but it was a bit necessary, see. Hopefully we don't have to come to blows over this little misunderstanding of certain issues, and you can, uh, step aside, princess?"

"Well, pardon my words," Jupiter responded sarcastically. "But you can just bite me, _general_."

"...Well, so much for diplomacy." At this, Nephrite unsheathed his sword. "It was nice knowing you."

With lightning speed he attacked Jupiter, who responded by sending a bolt of lightning towards his sword. Deftly dodging, Nephrite swung his sword around, barely missing Jupiter's neck. As he turned he narrowed his eyes, staring at Jupiter's face.

"What are you doing?"

"Concentrating, princess." Jupiter did a cartwheel to avoid an energy blast from the general. "Most people don't know this, but I can read people's minds and use it against them, turning them into whimpering sops!"

"Hate to tell you," Jupiter smirked as she threw another lightning attack. "But that won't work with me. I have mental blocks that prevent that from happening, so do your worst!"

"...Mmm." Seeing he couldn't get through the mental armor, as Jupiter correctly surmised, Nephrite gave a smirk. "So tell me, princess, how hard is it to be a _blockhead_?"

Meanwhile, people watched as Jupiter and Nephrite had at it; no one else even bothered to engage. Soon, however, Venus and Kunzite caught each other's eyes, and they both stood across from each other, their cold eyes staring into the other's with coldness.

"Hello..." Kunzite spoke first. "Princess."

"General." The response was in the same tone. "So...you came."

"Yes."

"...Very well." The two kept staring at each other. "Let us begin, then?"

"Yes. Let us begin."

This exchange caused Jadeite and the remaining soldiers to take notice and remember what they were doing. Taking advantage of their distraction, Mercury and Mars began to advance on Jadeite; the troops behind Jadeite saw this and also began to advance, in defense of their leader.

"No!" Jadeite's order caused the soldiers to again stop. "You were not given the signal. This is between me, and these two."

"Oh, of _course_ we don't get a piece of the action," one soldier mumbled as they regardless stepped back. "This is so not right."

"Let's go at it." Jadeite pointed towards Mercury and Mars. "This will be very little trouble for a Heavenly King."

"...So where's Zoisite?" The response caused his eyes to bulge in horror. "Smoking pot, no doubt."

"Why you..." Jadeite turned red. "How dare you insult Zoisite when he is not here!"

"Oh come on, everyone he does it."

"You'll pay for that," Jadeite unsheathed his sword, "_woman_!"

"Oh, you _scare_ me." Mars snorted. "What are you going to do about it, huh?"

"I'm going to-OW!"

At this, Mars walked up to Jadeite and promptly slapped him in the face. Staggering back, he turned to find Mercury's hand inches from his face. He was unable to avoid the slap she dealt.

"Hey, _hey_!!" Jadeite mumbled. "What's the big idea? I didn't sleep with _either_ of y-GUUAGH!!"

Immediately the two soldiers tackled him, each smacking and punching him, not even bothering to use their powers. They knew the soldiers wouldn't attack, as they had not been given the "signal"; so the two soldiers took their time in humiliating the general.

"Ha!" Meanwhile, Jupiter and Nephrite were even in their battle. "Is that a _punch_? I barely felt it."

"And how about _this_?" Jupiter's knee connected with Nephrite's crotch. "I'm sure you feel it now."

"...Heheheh. Poor little girl." To Jupiter's surprise, Nephrite was hardly affected. "It's clear you don't know anything about me. The things I went through to make that part of my body unassailable to low blows like that."

"Oh, so you're a eunuch?"

"...Heh, funny. I'll give you that much..."

As the two continued exchanging blows, both physical and magical, Mercury briefly stopped her attack on Jadeite to look around. In the clamor of the battle, Venus' voice was not heard, her attacks not seen, and it worried the blue-haired sailor.

"Hey, this ain't too bad!" Mercury spotted the Earth soldiers watching. "I guess being onlookers isn't so bad after all."

"Yeah!" One soldier rubbed his nose. "If you strain just right you can see the green girl's underwear. It's _great_!"

"Yeah, agreed!" Red-and-white striped boxes were being passed around. "You want butter on your corn?"

"Eeeh, can't, I'm on that stupid carb diet." There was a sigh. "My wife'll kill me if she finds out."

Rolling her eyes at this, Mercury returned to looking for Venus. There was no sign of her, and this caused Mercury to worry even more.

"Sailor Venus?! Where are you? What...what..."

Mercury turned towards the direction of the Moon Palace, just in time to see what Venus and her opponent, Kunzite, were doing. Their weapons were on the ground, and they were leaning on a riverbank column, violently caressing and kissing each other.

"...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?"

Kunzite and Venus turned back to a jaw-dropped Mercury, looking surprised, Kunzite with a smattering of lipstick smeared on his face. They looked back at each other, then back at Mercury.

"W...we are..." Kunzite looked at Mercury with his constipated face. "Having a duel to the death...with our tongues."

"I..." Venus blushed. "Yeah."

At this, Mercury slapped her head. Turning to the other senshi and generals - who had ceased fighting at her scream and were as dumbfounded as she - she turned back to Kunzite and Venus.

"Oh, go get a _room_ if you're going to suck face!" At this, she turned and punched Jadeite in the face. "In the meantime, we have a _war_ to conduct, if you two don't _mind_!"

With that, Mercury and Mars continued to pummel Jadeite, while Jupiter fought Nephrite. Meanwhile, Venus and Kunzite looked at one another before slipping away, sight unseen, from the battle.

"Geez!" After several minutes more, Mars started to laugh as she and Mercury took turns smacking Jadeite around. "I always knew you were the weakest of the Heavenly Kings, Jadeite, but I didn't know how much of a _girly_ man you were until now!"

"Girly man?!" Spitting out blood, Jadeite couldn't believe his ears. "How dare y-OOOWGH!!"

"That's right, girly man!" The pummeling continued. "Maybe you should have taken your vitamins this morning!"

"This not fa-AAAIGH!!"

The soldiers watched as Jadeite was being beat up by two girls barely half his age. It wasn't a good thing for the men to watch, at least in terms of morale. They began to wonder when their general would be finished, and how long it would be before the sailors used their legendary witchcraft on them.

They, of course, weren't the only ones watching the fight. In fact, there was another spectator, who was about to make their first move on the unsuspecting senshi.

"Well!" Jupiter did another flip to avoid Nephrite's blast attack. "Looks like you're not going to touch me, general."

"Oh, I'm so upset," came Nephrite's sarcastic answer. "I was _so_ hoping to touch-"

"**RAAAAAARGH!**"

Jupiter and Nephrite instantly stopped their fighting when they heard the cry. Mercury and Mars, for their part, dropped Jadeite to the ground, and looked up to see the great mass that was glaring at them with hungry red eyes. Even the soldiers turned and feared their ally upon seeing it.

It was the longest moment of silence they ever endured.

**BOOOOM!!**

Then it happened; the black mass acted. It opened its mouth again, letting out a raunchy burp. With that burp came a giant blast of energy, which Jadeite barely had time to dodge as it exited the creature's monstrous masticator.

"GEEEE-AYE!!" Pieces of Jadeite's hair smoked as he stood up. "What the...!!"

Then he saw where the senshi had been. They hadn't been able to dodge the blast, and all that was left of Mercury and Mars were pieces of blue boot leather, samite, some scorched ribbon and one of Mars' eyeballs.

"Aah...!" Jupiter's eyes widened in shock, and she fell to her knees. "Mercury...Mars..._no_...!"

"...Well, I guess that was the signal!" At this, the Earth soldiers suddenly raised their weapons and ran. "CHARRRRRRGE!!!"

Jupiter didn't even have time to react as the group trampled Jadeite and shoved Nephrite aside. Thirsty for a piece of the action, and a piece of the amazingly sexy sailor soldier, they all began to grab at her at once, shouting and bellowing as they pulled her in several different directions at once, tearing clothing and hair from her body. After several minutes, however, another, more sickening, ripping sound was heard by the soldiers, and they looked down to see what they did.

"AAAAAUGH!" Jupiter screamed in anguish as blood exploded from the open orifices that used to house her arms and legs. "WHAT THE **HELL**?!"

"...Hey, look!" One man who held a leg started to laugh. "It's Torso Girl!"

"That's..." Jupiter began to whiten from blood loss as the soldiers began to guffaw at the joke. "That's...not funny!"

"Course it is!" At this, the man poked Jupiter with her leg. "Have you ever seen anything like it?"

"Ow!...OW!!" Tears coursed from Jupiter's eyes. "St-stop it!! STOOOP!!"

Most of the men, repulsed by the now quadriplegic sailor's helplessness, recovered enough sense to back away and find other fun and bloody things to do, such as using Mars' eyeball as a hacky sack. However, several others joined the leg poker and picked the girl up, tossing her to one another and letting more blood fly everywhere. Others took up her arms and legs and swung them at rocks like golf clubs.

"Ha ha ha! She's a lot lighter now!"

"Me next! Me next!"

"Fooo-OOOORE!"

"SOLDIERS! Will you stop that?!" Jadeite shouted, turning green as he watched the spectacle. "That's disgusting!"

"But general!" Jupiter was inadvertently thrown over the side of the wall by one of the soldiers, who turned to respond to his general. "It's not like we _raped_ her first and _then_ dismembered her!"

"Oh, for the...!"

Jadeite turned to Nephrite for some help, only to find Nephrite staring at the monster. He, too, looked at the monster warily, knowing that he hadn't given the order for it to attack. He began to wonder if Beryl knew what exactly she'd awoken in the North Pole - and whether the binding spell was working.

"GENERALS!" Both Jadeite and Nephrite jumped up at the sound of Beryl's voice. "Good work. Wow, what a mess..."

"Uh, Beryl." Jadeite gulped. "Did you order that thing to attack?"

"Me? No, I di-Soldiers, put that eyeball _down_!" Beryl's voice was harsh. "That's not a baseball!...No, I didn't. Why?"

"Uh, well..." At this, Nephrite reluctantly responded. "You see, Beryl, that eyeball belongs to Sailor Mars, whom Metaria killed. In fact she also killed Sailor Mercury too, and-"

"What?!?" Beryl's eyes widened, though after a moment they relaxed, and she gave a shrug. "Ah well. I probably would have killed them myself anyways."

"...Are you _serious_?"

"Course I am! You don't get anywhere in life without stepping on some toes and breaking a couple of necks along the way." At this, Beryl's eyes narrowed. "Speaking of which, I'm going to break Zoisite's neck if he doesn't come back soon. And Kunzite's - where'd _he_ go now?!"

"Um..." Nephrite paused. "Having a duel to the death with Sailor Venus."

"...Why's his sword there, then?"

"Oh!" Looking at the ground where the weapons of the lovers lay, Nephrite nodded. "That. Kunzite publicly decided to use..._unconventional_ methods to subdue the girl."

"Mmm hmm." Jadeite bit his lip in order not to laugh. "Very."

"So I don't know when he's coming back." Nephrite breathed in. "So don't ask."

There was a long silence at this. Behind Beryl, several of the cannon fodder nudged and winked at Nephrite's response, though they quickly resumed an air of responsibility when their redhead leader's gaze bore into them.

"...Oh, whatever." With a huff, Beryl pointed her staff. "SOLDIERS! Now that the senshi have fallen, it is time for us to set out sights on our last target...and finally avenge our world!!"

"YEAH!" The soldiers began to get excited. "LONG LIVE SAGE BERYL!!"

"Where are we going!?"

"THE MOON PALACE!"

"When are we going?!"

"RIGHT AFTER THIS SPEECH!!"

"...Eh, and what will we do when we get there?!"

"EAT CAVIAR!!!"

"...NO." Beryl slapped her forehead. "NOT the answer."

"Yeah, she's right!" One soldier piped up. "I don't like caviar! It's a poor excuse for a rich man's food."

"Me neither," another soldier agreed. "It just doesn't feel right to eat any animal's naughty bits."

"Wait...what?!" The first soldier's eyes bugged out. "C-caviar is an animal's testicles?!"

"Yeah, it's fish testicles and eggs." The second soldier nodded. "I hear they make it into jelly."

"...And rich people i eat /i that?!" The first soldier turned green. "That's disgusting! I thought rich people were weird _before_-"

"**NOW!!**" The soldiers were suddenly interrupted by Beryl. "To the Moon Palace, to find the queen and princess, and destroy the remnants of tyranny _forever_!"

"...YEEEEEAH!"

"**HO!**"

At this, The soldiers cheered, and the marched forward, leaving the limbless Jupiter and her two disintegrated friends behind for the next goal. It was only a three minute walk to the moon gardens that adorned the great walkway to the Moon Palace, and only two minute after that to the real thing itself.

Five minutes until the end of the world as all of Earth descended like locusts upon the last obstacle to complete annihilation.

"Eww," Jadeite's nose crinkled up as he whispered to Nephrite. "I can't believe people _really_ eat fish testicle jel-"

"Shut up," Nephrite mumbled.


	6. 5: No Purchase Necessary

**WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT**

**5: No Purchase Necessary**

The main ball room was bursting with activity. Though Luna and Artemis, the royal cat advisers, had burst through the room proclaiming they were under attack, no one believed it. Though they had the ear of the queen, the cats were considered uncouth nuisances, not to mention that they were known for routinely skipping their monthly flea baths. In any case, everyone thought the cats were referring to being attacked by the neglected royal dog, Snookums, who chased them whenever the cats were invading his space.

"Felines." People rolled their eyes. "Think they know everything!"

The ball continued for several moments, with everyone talking amongst themselves about the stupidity of cats. Though some people took notice of the sounds outside and slipped away in case a battle _was_ occurring, most people ignored the inevitable doom that was closing in on them.

Then, just as orchestra began the moon's national anthem, they came. The doors flew open, and screaming like madmen, the soldiers of Earth poured into the grand old room, swords ready for the bloodbath.

"Oh, look, Eileen! Newcomers dressed as bloodthirsty Earth barbaAAAUGH!" One man gurgled blood as a sword ran through his chest. "Oooh, that's...going to leave a mark..."

"Harry?...Harry!" The woman turned around to see her partner fall on the floor, covered in blood. "Oh dear, how am I going to explain _this_ to his wife...?"

Soon, the entire ballroom was filled with Earth warriors, who began to kill the unarmed dancers that they came across, even as the dancers panicked and ran. However, a whistle suddenly filled the air, and the Earth warriors stopped their blood bath, to see Jadeite standing on the queen's ballroom throne. With a snap of his fingers, the ballroom doors slammed shut, and the dancers began to cry.

"AAAH!! NOO!!"

"HELP US! SOMEONE SAVE US!!"

"Relax, folks!" Raising his voice, Jadeite waved his hands reassuringly at the screaming ballroom captives. "This is just an old-fashioned, low-tech massacre! We're just interested in the basics here...all your money, all your food, all your wine, all your really beautiful women-"

"-And all your base-"

"Shut up," Jadeite mumbled through clenched teeth to the anonymous heckler, then recomposed himself. "Just do it in an orderly manner, and your death by the sword will be as quick and as painless as possible. One at a time, people, there's no need to panic and cut line, or run away like sissies...I promise, we _will_ get to you eventually either way, it just makes it messier to resist. _Troops_!"

With that the Earth soldiers began to round everyone up that they could. Those who resisted were quickly run through with the sword; most did not, believing blindly that the army would rescue them before anything happened to them. Meanwhile, they were cleaned out of their jewelry and their money.

"Corral everyone into the center of the room-" Jumping off of the throne (and causing it to fall to the floor) Jadeite abruptly stopped at a column in the corner and turned to see Zoisite. "Oh, there you are."

"Hey, you came." Waving his hand, Zoisite nodded to his fellow smokers, all comprised of his reconnaissance team. "Want to join us? Mary Jane awaits you."

"Uh..." Jadeite began to sweat. "Is that _pot_?"

"Heheh." At this, Zoisite blew some smoke into Jadeite's face. "Decide for yourself, girly man."

"Euugh!" Jadeite waved the smoke aside. "Look, I'm not one to preach, but one, I'm _NOT_ a girly man, and two, you'd better not let Queen Beryl see you with that joint, because she _will_ kill you."

"You got beat up by two _girls_!" Zoisite's laughing caused Jadeite to grit his teeth. "I heard aaaall about it. Girly man."

"...Get over here."

With that, Jadeite grabbed the joint-smoking general by the scruff and dragged him off, tossing his paraphernalia in the trash as he did. Meanwhile, Zoisite's smoking buddies looked on as the moon people were tied up, and the ballroom was slowly doused in gasoline.

"Well, looks like this is the end here." Putting out their joints, the men sat up and began to walk towards the commotion. "Make sure to wash out your mouths with wine. You know how Beryl gets when she smells this stuff..."

* * *

"Ok, I spy something gray, and-" 

"The wall."

"Ok." Jacob scratched his head. "I spy, something wi-"

"Oh, will you give it a rest already," Priam snapped. "You're just not helping matters."

The two had been exchanging barbs back and forth for a good half-hour at that point, while the hapless queen watched. She glumly sat, her mind turning the decision she had to make, over and over, while the two guards bickered.

"Hey, don't get mad at me," Jacob mumbled. "It's not like I _caused_ this."

"No," Priam glared. "But you _were_ supposed to bring the princess here! Now who knows what's happened to her?"

"Oh, come on!" Jacob rolled his eyes. "Princess Serenity is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Hell, if she wants to kill some enemies, all she has to do is go outside without makeup on."

"_Jacob!_"

"Honestly, I've seen her without makeup." Jacob shuddered as he scratched his nose. "It actually boiled a marriage suitor's eyeballs out of its sockets. Remember, the Duke of Andromeda? Tragic, that was."

"_JACOB!!_"

"No offense, Your Highness," Jacob turned to the glum queen, who didn't seem to be paying attention, "but your daughter's face is butt _ugly_. Like an unholy cross between an orangutan and a warthog-"

"**_THAT DOES IT!!_**"

With that, Priam lunged at Jacob, his sword missing Jacob's torso by mere inches. Shouting out, Jacob returned the favor by punching Priam in the arm.

"Oooh, so _that's_ how you want to play, eh?!" The two began to wrestle, and after several seconds, the fight generated a giant dust cloud with arms and legs sticking out. "Oh, was that a _hit_!? HA HA!"

"You little bastard-!"

"Augh-that's the best you got?"

"URR! I'll put a-"

"_Enough._"

The two immediately stopped their fighting at the sound of their queen's voice. There was something in it, something decisive and cold, which caused them both to take notice. They turned their heads to look at their queen, to see what she wanted to do or say.

They turned just in time to see her disappear in a flash of silver light.

* * *

Princess Serenity didn't know what to do after she had gotten her clothing on and started searching for help. 

"Help?!" She called down the empty, crumbling halls of the Moon Palace, to no avail. "Hello?!"

She couldn't find her mother, or her senshi, or her prince. What was worse, she didn't have a clue as to where to start looking. All she had to go by were the screams that were echoing down the hallway, and as a result had been wandering aimlessly around the palace for a good hour.

"Hello-"

She turned a corner and stopped as she saw what was happening. There was a huge group of Earth soldiers barring the door to the grand ballroom. Leading them was a short blonde man, who then raised his hands up and chanted something. At his words, fire sprang from his hands, and the ballroom was set aflame.

Serenity nearly fainted then and there.

"YEAH!! HOORAY!!!" The Earth soldiers were dancing with one another, though it was hard for them to move with all of the jewelry on them. "YAAAAY!!"

"There they are! Attack!!"

Serenity watched fearfully as the moon's palace guards - the last line of defense - charged bravely at the dancing Earth soldiers. Upon hearing their battle cry, Jadeite turned and unsheathed his sword.

"You don't know who you're messing with!!" He pointed his sword at the guard. "You may call me a girly man…..but I have a _demon_ inside me! A demon that thirsts for_ blood_! A demon that makes me go _INSAAAAAAANE!!_"

With an inhuman cry, Jadeite charged at the moon guards. Before any of them could react, they were all on the ground, screaming as a sharp-toothed, reptilian monster with multiple tentacles burst from Jadeite's chest. Each tentacle latched onto a guard, sucking out their brains from the base of their skulls.

"….._Daaaaamn_!" At this, the Earth soldiers quickly gathered around, thankfully obscuring Serenity's vision of her faithful guards' graphically violent deaths and limiting it to blood flying on the walls. "This is d_isgusting_…Oh, that one over there's writhing. Hee hee, he doesn't look too happy!"

Feeling sick to her stomach, the princess turned and started to run in the other direction. She had only taken twenty steps, however, before she ran into something hard. Looking up, she saw a man's eyes staring down at her, and she began to quake.

"Shhh!" Before she could scream, her attacker covered her mouth. "Princess! It's me."

"….Endymion? Where were-"

"No time to explain. This way!"

"...Is it really...?"

Serenity looked up again and, indeed, she looked into the blue eyes of her beloved. Nodding, Endymion took her hand, and they both began to run down the hallway; the further away the shouts were, the better Serenity felt.

"Oh, Endymion…" The princess couldn't help but blush as she looked at the back of her prince's head. "This reminds me of the time we met."

"Oh?"

"Yes, remember?" They turned a corner. "It was when I wore that bloody hockey mask and chased you down this very hall wielding a hockey stick and butcher knife? It was my method of scaring away suitors I didn't think I'd like."

"Yes, dear." There was a sigh. "I remember."

"But you….you were different." Serenity smiled. "And it was right about here where you turned, took your sword and almost completely severed my head from my neck. That's when I knew…."

"That your jugular and spine were permanently damaged from the blow?"

"…Well, yes," Serenity paused. "That and it took me three years to fully regain my ability to read and write, as well as wiggle my toes. But…also, that you were the man for me. That you were…._the one_."

"That's wonderful, but…." Suddenly, Endymion stopped. "I have something to confess."

At this, the two looked into each other's eyes. For one eternal moment, Serenity could see a twinkle of hope in her beloved's eyes, and her heart soared. Perhaps this was a true confession of love, one not coerced by desire and lust like the one he had given her in the bedroom. At last, she would have real proof of his love.

"If we live through this," Endymion breathed. "I want you to get a boob job."

"…..A _what_?"

"I've never confessed this to anyone," The prince held her arms, his eyes wide. "But….I'm a boob man. And you….your breasts….as beautiful as they are, they're barely even A sized."

"Y…." Serenity's lip began to quiver. "You mean….?"

"Yes." Endymion looked solemn as he responded. "You have no real boobs to speak of. But that can be remedied. Would you do that for me? Serenity….do you love me enough to do it?"

"I…."

Serenity looked at Endymion, dumbfounded, not sure of what to say. It was a strange request for her lover to make, especially when so much was happening so quickly. On the other hand, she knew she loved her prince dearly, and would do what it took to win his love. After all, he was the most eligible bachelor in the galaxy; the idea that people wouldn't want his love was beyond her.

"I will!"

"Excellent!" The prince smiled. "Now, to find a place to make out."

"…I…" Serenity blinked, not sure of what she just heard. "What?"

"…I said let's find a place to make a stand." Endymion looked around. "Is there any place that might have sufficient cover?"

"….Oh!" A light bulb went off in the princess' head. "Of course!-"

Before she could finish, an explosion rocked the palace, and the ceiling above them began to crumble. Grabbing each other's hands, the two ran before they were crushed by the debris.

"Oooh!" Serenity's dress flew up as she ran. "The Prayer Tower! That's right, te guard told me my mother told me to meet her there, so she might be there. We might be able to use the sacred power embedded within to protect the survivors!"

"Whatever you say!"

"The bridge is this way!"

At this, the lovers began to descend up a flight of stairs and onto the decimated second floor; as they did this, another explosion happened, and the staircase started to crumble behind them. Above them, the smoke from the spreading ballroom fire funneled into the sky; below them they suddenly heard the echo of soldiers and captive women.

"This way, boys, and bring the women!" Zoisite's giggles and Nephrite's shouts could barely be heard above the clamor. "If you think you're sated with gold and wine and sex now, there's more booty to be had at the treasury!...Stop laughing at me, Zoisite, it's mainly _money_!"

At this, Serenity and Endymion began to run faster towards the bridge, hoping the army wouldn't come upstairs and spot them. Finally, they took the turn towards the bridge; the Prayer Tower was just across the way.

"**HELLO!!**"

With Beryl standing right at the entrance. The lovers skidded to a halt when they saw the leader of the rebels herself appear out of thin air, her ample bosom blocking their only hope for escape.

"Well, well," she smirked as the two stared at her. "Look who _I_ found..."

There was a long silence at this. For several unending minutes, the two sides stared at one another, realizing what was happening. It was the fight that Beryl had always dreamed of, the same one that Serenity never wished to see.

It was a fight where someone was going to die.

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to die.

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Finally, fifteen hours later, the story stopped repeating like a broken record. 

"...What?" Beryl stopped what she was doing, her eyes twitching. "The _hell_ was that?"

"Maybe someone bounced too much and caused reality to skip...a lot?" Endymion blinked. "I blame Zoisite. He's got all the drugs."

"...hey!" A voice echoed from below. "This was not my fault! I bet it was that stupid demon in Jadeite's chest. I think it just took my stash!"

"_RAAAARGH_." An inhuman voice echoed in response. "_Shut up and pass the booong_."

"Whatever. And..." Suddenly, without regard to any sense of reality, Beryl turned towards the general direction of the reader - who was somewhere on Earth sitting at their computer, and following the events of the story, as this happened - and frowned. "Hey! What are _you_ waiting for, Christmas? Well, it's the end of the chapter, so here's a present! _Buzz _off!!"

With little consideration as to who she was attacking, Beryl thrust her staff forward, shooting a bolt of lightning through the reader's computer screen, shattering into a thousand pieces. Fortunately, the bolt missed the reader's head by mere inches, but unfortunately, it ricocheted off a lamp and killed the reader's pet, which just so happened to be in the line of fire.

"...Wow." Serenity stared at Beryl as the lightning tapered off. "Pardon my language...but what a _bitch_."

The time it took for the reader to bury their beloved pet - unless it was a neon monkey, then it was not missed - and to buy a new lamp and computer screen was just enough time to prepare for...

**_THE FINAL CHAPTERS._**

All the glory. All the glamor. All the guts. And all the pot, unless it is smoked up in the intermission.

And it will all end in the ne-

"For the _love_ of-!" A shot of lightning finally hit the author. "**SHUT UP**!!"

(stay tuned.)


	7. 6: May Contain Nuts

**WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT**

**6: May Contain Nuts **

"**DEATH TO THE MOON QUEEN!!**"

The army was having the time of their lives. They were marching through the halls of the steadily collapsing Moon Palace, tearing through the rooms of the sailor senshi and servants, as they made their way to the royal treasury. Some used the beds to have their way with the women they'd captured along the way, while others stuffed their pants with jewels and silks.

"Come on!" Nephrite sighed, as the troops trashed the rooms. "We need to get to the treasury so we can loot it and get back to our leader and kill the rest of the survivors. We haven't got all day!"

"Let them go," Zoicite took a puff of another joint. "We'll get to the treasury when we get there."

"Easy for you to say, pothead." At this, Nephrite turned to Jadeite. "Jadeite, get stupid demon thing back into your chest! You're scaring the women!"

"I'm trying, I'm _trying_!" Jadeite, covered in blood, was smacking the tentacle monster embedded in his chest - which was sniffing one of the crying captive girls - on the head. "Bad Sparky, _bad_! You already ate! Get in there! _Get_ in!"

**BADA-BOOOM!**

Suddenly, the sound of falling rocks outside caught everyone's attention. Everyone jumped, and Jadeite's inner demon gave a yelp and a whimper as it retreated into Jadeite's chest.

"That's right, you little assmuncher..." Buttoning his shirt up, Jadeite looked at the rocks. "Is this castle falling apart?"

"Yes."

"Man," Jadeite sighed. "You'd think that with all the technology this place has, their palace wouldn't just collapse on its own."

"Actually," Zoicite looked up. "I think it's the Metaria demon. Look."

At this, the other two generals looked up and gave a scream. The Metaria monster was above them, eating the roof of the palace. The generals could see its eyes staring at them through the big hole it had created; for a moment they thought the monster would devour them.

Seconds after seeing the fearsome creature, Jadeite leaped into Zoicite's arms.

"...Get off me." Zoicite dropped his comrade onto the floor. "Pansy."

"Uh..." Nephrite gulped as the Metaria monster slowly floated off. "We should, uh, probably get going to the treasury now. Right, _troops!_"

Nephrite turned to give orders to his troops, only to find them gone. Lifting his head up, he heard the echo of voices down the hall. It came from the royal treasury.

"gold! gold!"

"yayayayay give me something..."

"wooooooooow we're rich!!!"

"LOOK!" The three general heard as they entered the hall, they heard the shout. "IT'S A GOLD STATUE OF A NAKED GIRL!! LET'S GIVE IT TO ONE OF THE GENERALS!!"

"YEAH!" There was a chorus of agreement. "ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY CAN'T GET A REAL ONE THEMSELVES!!"

"**HO!!!!**"

"...Naked?"

Looking at each other at this declaration, the three generals suddenly broke into a run. Zoicite had been right - there was booty to be had.

* * *

"You..."

Serenity clung to Endymion as tightly as she could as she stared at Beryl, the stalker, the usurper, the destroyer of worlds. Beryl, in turn, looked at Serenity with a toothy smile.

"Aah, Princess Serenity." She struck the bridge with her staff. "At last we meet."

At the touch of her staff, the bridge that connected the Moon Palace to the Prayer Tower - the last hope for escape - crumbled like talc to the ground. Beryl still stood, however, floating in front of the two lovers as she pointed her staff at them, her red eyes glaring at them.

"You are as beautiful as they say. If only it were under less violent circumstances." Beryl's orb glowed. "But you know what I'm capable of. You can see it all around you, and I'm _sure_ Endymion here told you all about me. Didn't you, _dear_?"

"He told me enough about you." Serenity mustered up a glare. "And I won't let you destroy this kingdom!"

"...A bit late for that," Beryl shrugged. "But whatever. I think you know what I'm really after here, so just cut the dramatic bullshit and let go of Endymion. Seriously, save yourself the trouble."

"Never!"

"Never?" Beryl's orb began to flash brightly. "I think you may want to reconsider your answer before you become princess-flavored Jell-o."

"Your threats won't work, Beryl." Endymion drew his sword. "I'm not prepared to let you break us up over your petty jealousy."

"...Ok, whatever. Suit yourselves."

At this, Beryl thrust her staff forward, throwing a blast of energy at the lovers. However, it missed them by inches, instead blasting off a piece of wall next to them. Serenity gave a cry, and clung onto Endymion tighter, hoping, praying her prince could protect her.

_Endymion...my love...!_

The next moments became fuzzy for her. She suddenly started to stumble forward, as if she had been pushed. She turned and thought she saw Endymion with his arms in front of him, his eyes as big as saucers. She didn't understand; she wasn't sure she wanted to.

_Did...did he just...?!_

But then, in the next moment, it was not her, but Endymion who was going forward, floating in front of Beryl. Serenity stumbled, felt herself falling until she was right beneath Endymion's feet, as she heard Beryl speak through gritted teeth, heard him scream in response. She couldn't make out the words, not quite.

"Orgasm on _this_."

"No...**NO!!** N-"

Then it happened. The energy in Beryl's staff went right through Endymion's lower torso and crotch, splattering blood all over Serenity. The princess gave a scream as the sorceress then grabbed his sword from his shaking hand and stabbed right through where she had blasted him, pushing the blade up until it burst from the nape of his neck. More blood

"**NOOOO!!!!!**"

Serenity screamed as the body of her beloved fell in front of her, saw the blood on her and the blood pouring from his body. Above her, Beryl looked at the body, surprised at her reaction, though overall, she seemed pleased with what just happened.

"No..." Serenity began to shake violently as she cried. "En...endy...mion...!!"

Beryl just gave a sigh as she looked at the scene before her. It was pretty messy, she had to admit, and worse, she knew how hard it was to clean blood up. She could certainly sympathize with the princess on that level.

Meanwhile, shouts began to emanate from below, as the ballroom finally collapsed in a big funnel of smoke. The fire was slowly spreading through the palace, engulfing the queen's throne room and the princess' private quarters.

"Well!" Beryl wiped her hair out of her face. "That was quicker than I thought it would be. To think I thought he'd put up a _fight_ instead of throw you out to save himself. Coward."

"Y..." Serenity was sobbing hysterically. "You killed him...!"

"Yes, yes I did." Floating to the ground, Beryl stared at Serenity's blood-stained dress. "Oh dear, I hope you're got some Shout. That's a nasty stain."

"You...you impaled him!!"

"I'm sorry, are you...?" At this, Beryl looked at Endymion's mangled body. "Weeeell, so I did. I also emasculated him. Good riddance. Can I get you something drink, princess? Maybe something to eat?"

"Y-you..." At this, Serenity grabbed the hilt of her lover's sword and pulled it out of him. "You're...the one who s-said...she would kiss him...you...you _witch_!!"

At this, Serenity brought the bloody sword in front of her and began to charge at Beryl. Nonplussed by the fact she was about to lose her intestines, Beryl grabbed the blade seconds before it cleaved her in half, and and yanked it out of Serenity's hands.

"You...!"

"Now, now," Beryl casually tossed the sword out of the hole behind her. "There's no need to be _violent_ about this...Though," she paused. "Coming from me, that sounds a bit hypocritical. I guess that ripping a hole in him was a bit overkill on my part. Eheheh..."

"Why?!" Deprived of a weapon, Serenity instead tried to claw at Beryl's face. "Why did you...how can you _do_ this?!"

"Why not?" Beryl looked surprised. "Seriously, calm the hell down. It's not like I was going to actually kill you."

"Well, I'd rather be dead!" Finally, her attacks moot, the princess collapsed, crying. "Oh, my love...my love...is...dead. There's nothing left for me..."

At this the princess sobbed into Beryl's cleavage before falling to the floor. Her shoulders heaved up and down violently; her loss was too great for words, as was her hate as she looked up at Beryl.

"You can have your kiss now," she gasped. "You evil woman!"

"...Eh?" Beryl tilted her head to the side. "What _are_ you talking about? Unless..."

"Go on!" Serenity almost screamed. "HAVE IT, you _monster_!"

"...Well, if you insist."

Her face turned as red as her hair at the thought, but decided to sate her curiosity anyhow. With that, she bent down to Serenity and lifted her head, and began to close in on her lips.

"Wh..." Serenity's teary eyes widened at the move. "What are you doing?!"

"Kissing you."

"NO!" The slap made no difference to Beryl's face, as it was red enough already. "_Endymion!_ You said you desired to kiss him. Well, he's right there, so go ahead and do whatever to his dead corpse, you...you shameless...!"

"Oh..._oooohoho_!" At this, Beryl began to cackle. "Are you serious? Kiss _him_? Honey, I already kissed him once. I'd rather not kiss him again."

"Huh..."

"Silly girl." The sage rolled her eyes. "I just did most of what I was setting out to do when I started this campaign. Seriously, I did you a favor. You have _no_ idea how lucky you are that you escaped unscathed."

"What are you talking about...?!" Serenity sniffed. "Didn't you say you were going to kiss him after...you killed his father?"

"_Kiss_ him? Oh, so that's what he told you, hmm? Well, see all those guys out there?" At this, Beryl pointed to the people of Earth down below, who were bringing out armloads of gold from the royal treasury. "All those guys are here because I called on them to join me. Granted, their strength has been enhanced by..." At this, Beryl cleared her throat, "_supernatural_...means...but they're really just letting out their long-simmering rage, with little help from me."

"Oh, _really_."

"Yeah, _really_. Not against you guys specifically, per se, though you guys ignored us a lot when we complained about what was going on with Endymion, and I was thinking the queen would make a great slave. And, well," Beryl gave a nervous chuckle as sounds of violence continued outside. "I guess boys will be boys."

At this, Beryl walked over to Endymion's body and stuffer her hands into what was left of his pants, much to Serenity's disgust. Moments later, she dragged out a bloodied, tattered piece of paper, which she promptly handed to the princess. Grabbing it warily, Serenity began to read. It was the letter he had started to write when he had been with her.

"'Friday. To my beloved Maria'." Serenity began to read; confused, she looked up at Beryl. "Who...?"

"His fourth wife." Beryl nodded after seeing Serenity's stunned expression. "Yeah. Not that that satisfied him, of course."

"You mean...then he..." Serenity's heart froze at the words. "Who else...?"

"Everyone else's wife," Beryl shrugged. "I warned everyone after he divorced me and I found out I was actually his second wife and he was still married to his first wife, but did _anyone_ listen? Of course not. I'm just the insane sorceress with the unnecessary cleavage. So every attempt to stop him failed. Not even your momma would stop him. So, you know, why not? I'm doing the universe a favor here."

"I..." Tears fell once more from the princess' eyes. "I...never knew...he lied...all this time..."

"There, there..." Beryl gave the princess a hug, patting her on the back. "No more tears. Come on, now, think about yourself!"

At this, Beryl went and began to drag the body of Endymion towards the window. Sniffing, Serenity went and grabbed the legs.

"Honestly," Beryl gave a grunt. "You're probably...the only person he hasn't deflowered! The last virgin left...in this solar system! You must have a...lot of willpower and stamina to resist his oozing charm and abnormally...ugh...large penis."

"Uh...uh huh...sort of...but...his father..."

"Oh, his father has a corn farm in Kansas. Nice guy, I met him a month ago. See, I'm not a naturally...urgh...violent person..." Picking up the prince's arms off the floor, Beryl began to heave. "On the count of three, by the way. I was...so mad when I found out he was married...I...actually blew up a mountain."

"Ok..." Serenity sniffled some more. "That's...terrible, I guess..."

"Oh yeah...worst...conniption ever." Beryl swung. "Ok, one...two...three!!"

With that, both women let go of the corpse, which unceremoniously tumbled down the side of the building and lay crumbled at the bottom. At the sight of it, the Earthlings, and the three commanders remaining around them, cheered and tore the body apart without delay, leaving only a pile of blood, torn cape, some bone and a used condom in its roaring wake.

"DIE!!! DIIIIIIIIE!!!!!"

Hats, Pop Tarts, gold, underwear and pieces of Endymion's was thrown into the air in celebration as the two females floated down to the troops. With a smile, Beryl waved with a gently cupped hand; Serenity simply looked on, her face mirroring the confusion and shock in her heart.

"Aaaaalll right!" At this, Beryl motioned the group into silence. "Now, we are at the dawn of a new era! As my first act in power, I, Queen Beryl..." At this, the group cheered again. "Do hereby proclaim this day to be...Stupid Dead Bastard Day, in honor of the stupid dead bastard that is truly now, no more."

"Good idea!" A bruised Nephrite was holding onto a gold stature of naked girl as everyone cheered. "DEATH TO THE SEDUCER!"

"DEATH!!" The various shouts began. "DEATH TO THE SEDUCER!!!"

"THROW HIS REMAINS TO THE DOGS!!"

"EAT HIS HEAAAART!!!"

"**LONG LIVE**," almost everyone shouted in unison, "**QUEEN BERYL!!**"

"Thank you, thank you. And now!" Beryl raised her staff. "I have decided, as a gesture of mercy, to spare the moon princess and queen from whatever horrible and gruesome fate you might have thought up for her..."

At this, the few boos that arose were silenced by the glares of the generals, particularly that of Zoicite, the downwind of whose drug-induced stench was enough to threaten and frighten any detractors. People had to back away from him in order not to smell it.

"Instead, I am installing the queen, when we find her, as a stripper in the best whorehouse in Texas..."

"HOORAY FOR BOOBIES!!!"

"...and upon seeing her bravery in battle against me, I have decided to install Princess Serenity...as my royal bitch, as I have sworn off men permanently due to what Endymion did to me."

"Oh..." Serenity blushed at this. "I...I don't know what to say..."

"**YEEEAH!**" Several more cheers were followed by more than several nosebleeds. "**MORE BOOBIES!!**"

"Now is the time to end one tyranny, and begin another!" Beryl held her staff up, ready to work her magic on the defeated planet. "The battle is now over; now is the time to establish the new world order!"

"**HOORAY!!!!!!**"

"Your Highness!! Your _Highness_!!!"

At this, both Serenity and Beryl looked up towards the source of the voice. It was another anonymous grunt, who was running as fast as he could, and who was out of breath as he approached the ruins.

"The...the Metaria monster...! It's out...out of control!!"

With that, the grunt pointed at the castle, or what was left of it. There, the black creature was drowning the surroundings in gas, but worse, the surroundings were suddenly turning into dust. The distant screams of survivors were being silenced as the gas caused them to combust like snakes in a microwave.

"What...?!"

As several of her armies began to panic and jostle one another, Beryl stared at the monster for a moment, unbelieving. Then she noticed that something had appeared on the monster's forehead - a third eye, as red as the the first two had originally been. It pulsed with the power that Beryl had given it during the binding spell, which was more than sufficient to wake it up fully and wait for the proper time to strike.

At this, Beryl and Serenity looked at one another.

"Oh no..."

What followed next was almost too indescribable to describe, even in layman's terms. There were no words for the end of the earth's forces, for it was almost as gruesome as that of the moon people that had fallen before them.

"Oh god...!!!!!"

"RUN!!! **RUN!!!!!!**"

The pot stash was the first to be absorbed by the gigantic black mass, which was immediately belched forth after it was consumed; many who couldn't stand Zoicite now spontaneously combusted from the overpowering stench. Those who lived panicked and fought each other to get away.

"AAAAH! AAAAAAAH!!" Body parts began flying as people hacked at one another. "GET OUT! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!!"

"AUUUUGH!" Jadeite's monster burst out of his chest again, and in a panicked frenzy began to eat his master. "What are you-NO!! **NOOOO!!!**"

"...Wow," Smoking one last joint, Zoicite looked around as the black cloud began to close in. "Figures that thing would turn on us."

"I could have told you that when we fi-"

"What? What was that?" Zoicite turned in time to see that the Metaria monster's power had caused Nephrite's head to explode. "Oh. That had to hurt."

"Quick!"

As the men died, as the palace began to collapse even more, Beryl grabbed Serenity and they began to run down the hall together. Behind them, the blasts of energy that came from the demon obliterated the hallway behind them, turning everything into ash.

"This way!!" Beryl turned. "It's the only way-"

"AWAAAH!!"

"Princess!!"

Behind her, Serenity suddenly shook, then collapsed, letting go of Beryl's hand. Beryl turned to grab her new partner's hand again, only to see the smoke emanating from her mouth, as well as from the smoldering black hole in her stomach. Slowly, Beryl looked up to see seven giant black shadows, all of them with red eyes like Metaria, all of them with unimaginable power, all of them roaring for blood.

All of them ready to take Beryl down.

"Eh..." There was only one thing Beryl could say as the Shadows leaped on her, and realizing she had no time to power up an attack. "...Oh shit."


	8. 7: Void Where Prohibted

**WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT**

**7: Void Where Prohibited**

It had come at last.

The evil Metaria monster had finally come into its prime. It had tricked everyone it had come across, and it finally exacted its revenge against the people of the moon for trapping it under the earth. And as it looked down at its demonic offspring as they tore into the survivors of her first onslaught, it gave a roar of victory.

"**RAAAAAAAARGH!!!**" It flashed its long, venomous teeth as it howled. "**UNIVERSE...IS...MINE!!!! IT...IS...****MIIIIIIINE**"

The monsters roared with approval as several of their number appeared from the ruins of the Moon Palace to bring forth the bodies of Princess Serenity and Beryl, which were both burnt and battered beyond recognition. They threw the bodies towards Metaria, who scooped them up in its mouth and viciously chomped through the remains like cashews.

"RAAAAAAR!" The shadows shouted. "Now we FEAST!"

"RAAAR! FOOD! YAY!!"

"Rrrrgh." One shadow lumbered over to Metaria. "Master. Let us go to Tavern on the Green and celebrate before taking over the universe."

"No, I want to go to Maxim's."

"Tavern on the Green!" Several more shadows shouted. "Beer! Parks! Donald Trump!"

"Maxim's!" Other shadows shouted. "Paris! Wine! Armpit hair!"

"Tavern!!"

"Maxim's!!"

"TAVE-"

"**RAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!**" The shadows were silenced. "**NO DISGUSTING HUMAN FOOD! WE WILL FEAST ON HUMAN ****BODIES**!"

"...Ew." The shadows looked at one another. "Rrrgh. Do we have to?"

"**YES!**"

"...Ok." The shadows began to hesitantly nibble on body parts. "I prefer the Ivy myse...Rrrgh! Master! LOOK!"

The great monster looked at its underling, then looked at the direction it was pointing. On top of the Prayer Tower's highest spire - which was miraculously still intact - was a bright ball of light.

"**RRGH!**" Something about the light repulsed the demon. "**WHAT IS THAT? STOP IT! STOP-**"

Before the Metaria demon could finish, a blast of white energy suddenly blasted from the ball and hit it head on. It's mouth opened and twisted in agony from the impact; the monster's form lost its cloud shape, its energy cracking into the bare night sky like a flame.

"Riiiigh!?" The shadows started to run towards their master. "Master! MASTER!!"

The ball of light on top of the tower pulsed again; this time, the energy hit the shadows as they scurried to their master. Screaming and writhing, the shadows dissipated under the bright light, their bodies torn to shreds.

"**RAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!**" Metaria struggled to no avail as the light - and the energy coming from it - became stronger. "**RAAAAARGH!!!! MY POWER...MY BODY...raaargh...**"

With final roar, the Metaria demon was engulfed by the power, and it's body collapsed into black rain, freeing the remains of those it had ingested. But the power that had appeared was not finished yet.

Queen Serenity was not finished yet.

"Moon Healing...Escalation!"

At her cry, the bright ball of light sent out a shock wave that caused the Prayer Tower and any other building still standing in the vicinity to collapse, then pulsed outward, growing bigger by the second. It absorbed everything in sight - body parts, rubble, treasure, weapons water from the river and Pop-Tarts. Serenity's body was swept up, as was Endymion's; the bodies of Beryl, the generals and the Earth soldiers merely disintegrated upon being touched by the light as it took in everything.

Over by the ruins of the bridge, one limbless body turned its head to see the light as it raced towards the three senshi's remains.

"Oh, _great_. _Lovely,_" Jupiter mumbled just before she was absorbed. "Nice that you waited until _now_ to do that!"

**BOOM SHAKALAKA!**

Within three minutes, it was all over. With one final shock wave, the Silver Millennium was nothing but a wasteland, with blood and the stench of illegal drugs filling the air. The black rain soon stopped, and the echoes of screams stopped, leaving the world with a deadly silence.

"Queen!"

That was very quickly broken by the two cats that scampered over to the queen's side. She was on top of the rubble of the Prayer Tower, her body limp; her face was whiter than her hair.

"No...!" Artemis pawed at the queen's body. "No, it can't be. Queen Serenity! Wake up!"

"Queen!" Luna's eyes filled with tears. " _Queen_!!"

"...Mmmm?" An eye fluttered open as Queen Serenity's head turned. "Oh, it's you two. Nice to see you survived."

"We were able to hide in a drain pipe, so we were safe." Luna looked at the queen's form. "Majesty, what have you done...?"

"What I should have done ages ago."

Slowly, painfully, Queen Serenity brought her hand up, revealing a pink stick with a crescent moon on top. Placed in it was a white gem, which still pulsed with power. Both the cats gasped.

"_The Silver Crystal_!!" Both cats cried. "Your body! Then it means..."

"Yes, cats." Serenity's eyes closed. "I'm dying. I've sealed the Metaria demon away, and I've sent the court to the future. On Earth. They will surely live on, even if I cannot..."

"No, _no!!_" Artemis shook his head. "You can't die! You can't have used up all your strength...!"

"Don't leave us." Luna sniffed. "You're all we have. You can't die of exhaustion _now_, when there are still people who need you!"

"...Actually," Serenity paused. "To tell you the truth, that's not why I'm dying."

"...It's not?"

"No..." The queen bit her lip. "I actually stood a pretty good chance of surviving using the crystal's power, after sleeping off the effects it's usage had on me. I would have been out for a couple of days but I would've been all right."

"Then how...?"

"Massive internal hemorrhaging," the queen sighed. "Unfortunately, when the Prayer Tower collapsed, I fell right onto the spire I had been standing on. It severed my spine as well as one of my major arteries, though it missed my heart by mere inches."

"...Oh." The cats blinked. "So that's why you're not writhing in pain."

"Yes, I can't feel a thing." Serenity coughed. "It's a surprisingly euphoric..."

"But Queen," Luna looked at the dying monarch worriedly. "What about us? What will happen to us?"

"Well..." Slowly the queen separated the Silver Crystal from the wand. "I'm going to send you to the future too. There's no point in staying and cleaning this mess up, especially when I accidentally sent the Earth prince into the future as well."

At this, the cats stared at their queen in horror.

"You can't mean...!"

"Yes." Even in her last moments, Serenity looked at her advisers sternly. "Whatever you do, you must _never_ let that man near my daughter. I can't begin to imagine what diseases he'll give her if he gets under her skirt."

"What about Metaria?" Artemis asked. "Won't we need all the help we can get? Endymion was apparently a good fighter..."

"...Well, yes, that too. Beating that monster is all good if it ever gets out. And if it _does_, I'll makes sure next time around my daughter will be able to fight it." Serenity looked up. "But monster or not, keep Endymion away from the princess. The last thing I need is the cold comfort of that jerk causing another holocaust because of the mass...albeit inexplicable...female attraction to his penis. Agreed?"

"Agreed!"

"Now then..." Serenity held the crystal aloft, and it left her hand, flying towards earth in a flash of silver. "The end has come. Goodbye, my cats. May you guide the princess on your journeys. And good luck..."

At this, the cats were engulfed in balls of light, and they were slowly raised into the sky. Looking down, they could see their queen close her eyes, and they saw the moon stick drop from her hand as her body became limp.

"Queen Serenity!!"

"Don't go!!" Artemis cried. "Step _away_ from the light, your Highness!!!"

But it was no use. No matter how hard they cried out to her, there was no response. As they shot out of the fading atmosphere of the moon, their last memory of the Silver Millenium was one of grief.

Queen Serenity, the great queen of Silver Millennium, was dead.

* * *

Several silent minutes went by as the night bore on, and the queen's body stiffened. There was no end to the evidence of carnage - the rivers had dried up, the buildings were in ruin, and the smoke of a dying fire still rose into the sky from what was once the great ball room.

There was no life left on the moon, none that could be seen to anyone who had bothered to look - which was nearly no one. Somehow, the magic that had sustained the moon had sustained the other kingdoms, and when it was wiped out, so were the other planetary kingdoms, without any warning. Throughout the solar system, all was quiet.

"...BRUH!!!!"

Suddenly, there was a rumble underneath the ruins of the Prayer Tower, and an armored hand burst out, followed by the dust-coated face of Priam, who took a great gasp of air as he tumbled down the side of the rock. Jacob followed several seconds afterwards, emerging next to the queen, a giant pile of Pop-Tarts in his arms.

"Well, of all the..." Standing up unsteadily, Priam watched as the cats became a speck in the sky, a look of shock on his face. "This is...unbelievable! It can't be! We're the last two people alive in the _world_! My god...this..."

"Well," At this, Jacob took a bite out of a chocolate Pop Tart as he poked the queen's body with a stick. "Least we've got plenty of food."

"Oh, why you...!"

Frowning at his partner's lack of appreciation of the gravity of the situation, as well as his total disrespect for their sovereign, Priam was about ready to smack his partner with his sword when, suddenly, a blinding flash of light appeared before them. As they covered their eyes, the light transformed into a doorway, and within were four figures.

"That door..." Priam opened his eyes and lowered his arms. "Can it be?!"

"We're...I don't believe it..." It was Sailor Uranus who stepped out first. "We were...too late?!"

"They're gone!" Sailor Neptune was next, and she became pale at the sight of the destruction. "There's nothing left!"

"Huh?" Jacob's eyes widened. "What the hell?!"

"Oh dear..." Sailor Pluto and Sailor Saturn both stepped out of the door, which promptly disappeared when they did. "I'm afraid I brought us to the wrong place."

"I'd say you did." Uranus gave Pluto a glare. "I would even bet you did this on _purpose_."

"Me?" Pluto looked innocent. "Certainly not. I didn't know-"

"_Doooon't_ even try putting that over us, timekeeper." Uranus poked Pluto on the chest. "You knew the whole time what you were doing."

"...Maybe I did." Pluto looked at Uranus. "But do you _really_ think you would have made a difference?"

"Does it matter?" Neptune sighed. "At least we could have fought."

"Well," Sailor Saturn stretched. "At least I'm getting some exercise. If one good thing comes out of all this."

"..._Women!_"

The four senshi turned to see Jacob, who was staring at them with wide eyes. He looked as if he had been struck by lightning as he got off of the rubble pile and staggered towards the warriors.

"What? Those aren't just women, you fool." Looking at the sailors, Priam shook his head. "Those are the legendary sailor senshi of the outer solar system-"

"Priam, don't you get it? Don't you see it? This...is _excellent_!" At this, Jacob clapped. "We now have a chance to repopulate and save the moon! And there's only one way to do it!"

"Save the mo..." Priam looked at the queen's body and back at his partner, disbelieving. "How?"

"..._Menage a trois!_" At this, Jacob grabbed Neptune, who automatically pulled away. "I'll take the lesbians. You take the old lady and the kid."

Everyone stared at him as he spoke. No one was quite sure what to make of what he was suggesting, with the exception of Sailor Pluto. She stood, her eye twitching.

"What..." she mumbled under her breath, "did you just call me..."

"...You _idiot_!" At this, Priam smashed Jacob in the face. "Are you _crazy_?!"

"Crazy!?" Jacob pushed Priam away. "Of course not! They're women, we're men, what else do you need to know?!"

"They're _senshi!_" Priam was shaking. "We can't just sleep with these four sailor senshi like they're whores - they're all-powerful warriors! _Especially_ Saturn! Don't you _know_ what happens if she drops her glaive?! It's suicide!"

"_You're_ the one that's crazy!" Jacob laughed. "Four extremely hot women, and all you can do is babble about why we should _not_ doing it with them! I bet you're gay."

"I am _not_ gay!"

"Well you certainly act like it," At this, Jacob turned his nose up. "You fruit loop!"

"You _bastard_!!"

"Oooh, he called me a bastard! _Scaaary_!" At this, Jacob gave Priam the middle finger. "Why don't you just _lick_ this while I kick your ass, you sissy! Better yet, why don't you go jerk off over the queen's dead body, because that's the closest to a girl _you_ can get now-"

"**THAT DID IT!!!!**"

With that, Priam unsheathed his sword and sliced at Jacob, missing his midsection by inches. Three of the senshi watched in horror at the degenerating situation, while Pluto - knowing better than to stay for the outcome - quietly made herself disappear from the scene.

"YOU HEARTLESS...!" Priam swiped again, clearly enraged. "I'LL CUT YOUR TRUNK OFF!"

"Oooh, yeah!" Sarcastically, Jacob went to unsheath his weapon. "I'm _sure_ you will-"

As Jacob flung his sword out of his scabbard, he inadvertently smashed Saturn in the face with his closed fist. She staggered several steps back, dizzily watching as the two moon guards exchanged several parries, before she fell to the ground, bruised and cross-eyed.

"Uuuugh..."

"SATURN!"

Everything went in slow motion for the five survivors at this point. Jacob and Priam stopped their fight just in time to see the Silence Glaive leave Saturn's hands. For a moment, it stood up on its own, but without anything to support it, it started to fall sideways

Uranus and Neptune jumped to grab the glaive before it hit the ground, but in their hearts, they realized they may already have been too late. They screamed, as did Priam, who also understood what was happening. 

Jacob, marveling that he could see Neptune's cleavage from where he was standing, didn't know what was about to hit him.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!**"

The top of the glaive's blade came down onto the ground...

* * *

**BOOOOMITY BOOM BOOM BOOOOOOOOOM!!!**

The three hundred citizens left in the solar system watched from the decimated surface of Earth as the moon suddenly exploded above them, sending flames and large meteors flying in all directions. Most of the group, comprised of those from the moon who had escaped from the Silver Millenium and various other planets during the battle, as well as a cadre of penguins, clapped heartily at the bright colors, as they had never seen such a show before in the sky. Others held up umbrellas to shield their eyes.

"Bravo! Bravo!" Signs with numbers came up. "Excellent explosion! It'll take awhile to fix _that_."

"But how _will_ we fix it?" One person scratched their head. "It might take centuries to find all the pieces."

"Don't you worry your little head off!" At this, the person was smacked in the back. "There's always a way. In the meantime, let's move up the mountain so the inevitable tsunami from the collision of the moon rock with the Pacific Ocean doesn't destroy us all, shall we?"

"...Uh, ok...whatever you want...what's a Pacific Ocean?..."

All three hundred survivors had made their way to the Himalayas, where they camped out on the side of Mt. Everest, K2 and the various other mountains in the range, which at that point were not called such; rather, the group simply called them Big Mountain 1, Big Mountain 2, and All The Other Big Mountains. All amongst them were sharp rocks and sunken enclaves and caverns, perfect places to hide in case of nuclear winter. There were tons of yeti and woolly mammoths in the area to be had for food and clothing, and snow was easily melted into water.

"...Right, let's keep this as simple as possible." There was a group sitting around a campfire in the largest cave, with one of their numbers drawing a crude map of Earth. "Here's the plan to rebuild this world after the moon remain problem is sorted out. Jude, I want you to go to China with some people, and build something that's going to last over there. Make a lot of jade things and carve stuff into bones, so that people will think you know the future."

"Why bones?"

"Because it's better than doing it in dirt." The man crossed off a part of the world. "Starky, you'll go and found Indus, and then after awhile pack up your people and abruptly leave for Mars. That'll stump 'em several thousand years in the future!"

"I like that idea!" Starky nodded. "I like Mars."

"Excellent." Another x was drawn. "Now, someone's got to found Mesopotamia. Who wants to do that?"

"Me!!"

"No, _me_!!!"

"Hey, I wanna found Mesopotamia!"

"All right, all right, one at a _time_, people!" The lotcaster held his hands up. "And don't worry. We've still got plenty of places to choose from. We've got Australia, North America, Antarctica, Egypt-"

"It's hot there."

"...Well, too bad, someone has to found it." The lotcaster drew a circle. "Come on, who'll do-"

"...aaaaaah..."

The group was interrupted by a sudden scream. It came from a cave nearby, the highest one on the mountain, and it echoed for several minutes before it stopped, only to have another scream come through from within.

"Oh, YES!!" The words were the same. "More, Kunzy-kun, MORE!!!!"

"…_Kunzy-kun_?!" One person's eye twitched at this. "What the hell kind of a pet name is _that_?"

"Are they going at it _again_?"

"I assume so. They just can't keep their hands off each other." The lotcaster shrugged. "Anyhow-"

"Can't we tell them to stop?" Starky shuddered. "Really, children might be reading this!"

"...Right. Whatever you say." The lotcaster went back to the map. "Now, we made a deal with the penguins that they would get ownership of a continent. What one do you guys want?"

"...If you can't figure out where we belong," at this, a penguin, covered in ice packs and fanning himself off as he glared at the humans, appeared. "I will personally peck your eyes out and sever your head with this scimitar."

"...Right. Egypt, then?" The lotcaster just barely missed being pecked to death, as he bent down, inadvertently causing the penguin to sail over him and into the campfire. "Now, someone's going to have to rebuild the moon...somehow..."

"AAAAAAUGH!!!" The penguin screamed as its skin melted off. "YOU HEARTLESS HUMAN BASTARD! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS AFFRONT!!"

"Oh, quit being a baby." The lotcaster took a stick and poked the burning penguin, which caused him to scream in more agony as he turned into penguin slag. "Now, Lucky will get North America, and you, Moo, will get Egypt instead of the penguins."

"Aw, man..."

"Jane gets...Oh, right I forgot South America, thanks, Jane!...Jane gets South America. That wierdo old man that keeps trying to go into the cave where that general is humping that girl...he gets Austrailia, and I, naturally," at this, the lotcaster chuckled. "I get Mesopotamia. Now, are we squared away?"

"What about the penguins?" someone spoke up. "Shouldn't they they get Antarctica?"

"Hell no." At this, the lotcaster crossed Antarctica out. "After what their leader just did, they get to rebuild the moon. After which we'll use them as hood ornaments, the stupid animals. Trust me, they're better off."

"We heard that!" Several more penguins squawked at the insult. "How are you call us stupid animals-"

"See what happened to your leader? Huh? You'd better not talk back to _us_!" At this, the lotcaster played with the dirt until the map was gone. "So, that's how we'll jump start civilization again. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

"Now, a toast." At this, the lotcaster took up a champagne glass; the others did the same. "To all the people who died...hopefully, they're up in heaven, and they're looking down upon us in a positive light...and to the future, so we can recreate the moon ki-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

The pitch of the scream caused the champagne glasses to shatter. He gave a nod to the others sitting by the fire, and on the count of three, they rolled a rock over the entrance of their cave so they could go on undisturbed. Still, they could hear the screams, which echoed through the mountainside like the wounded cries of an animal.

"...Right." The lotcaster put cotton balls in his ears. "Now on to other questions. Who wants to handle re-inventing the wheel?..."

The creators of the world did their best to continue their discussions, and others continued with their lives likewise, despite the screams, which continued to come from the deep cave where the last surviving general and the last senshi were. Having abandoned themselves to primal pleasure, they didn't even have a bed to do it on; they had the cold ground, a single blanket, and faint torchlight. But it didn't matter to them; for Kunzite and Venus, it was the unique experience they had longed for, away from their critical friends and family.

At long last, they could love one another.

"Aah..." The old man outside of the cave of lovemaking nodded and wiped his nose as the throes and cries of ecstasies continued, even while giant meteors and charred pop tarts zoomed across the sky and landed around them. "Now _this_ is the way you should end it all...with an orgasm."

Of course, that earned him a smack on the head by a passerby, but it didn't matter. In a way he was right; the two lovers were all that were truly left of the great civilization that had been destroyed by war. Everyone else was looking towards the peaceful future; they clung to the turbulent past until their very last breath, in a lovers' embrace.

And - to all who watched as the Earth was also destroyed by the moon, as the moon had been destroyed by the Earth - what a past it was.

* * *

_We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when  
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day  
Keep smiling through, just the way you used to do  
Till the blue skies chase the dark clouds far away _

Now, won't you please say "Hello" to the folks that I know  
Tell 'em it won't be long  
'cause they'd be happy to know that when you saw me go  
I was singing this song

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when  
But I know we'll meet again some sunny day

* * *

"OH!!" Venus gasped. "That was fun! Let's do that _again_!..."

THE END?


	9. Final: May Cause Heartburn

**WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT**

**Final: May Cause Heartburn**

**BEGIN EXTRA REEL**

**5-**

**4-**

**3-**

**2-**

_boop _

* * *

The four sailor senshi, defenders of the moon kingdom, were sitting passively on the bridge leading from the capital to the Moon Palace, eating pop tarts. Leading them was valiant Venus, her hair flying in the wind.

"I still can't believe those guys betrayed us." Mars kicked a stone across the bridge. "Seriously. What does that evil witch Beryl have that we don't?"

"Boobs?"

"Shut u-"

Mars stopped at the sound of plopping water, followed by the sound of cracking glass. Somewhere in the vicinity, the sound of someone swearing came through from behind a pillar.

"...goddamnit..."

"Um..." Mars turned red as the other senshi turned away from her and began to whistle. "Oops? Uh...sorry?"

"Cut!" The now-broken camera, complete a rock sticking out of the len, rose out of the water as the director slapped his head. "Mars, did you _have_ to do that? Oooh, now this is gonna set us back a week..."

"I said I was sorry-"

"Shut up!" Mars was cut off by the director, who stomped away. "Look like we just won't have a panty shot, will we? PLACES!"

"...Did he just _panty shot_?"

"That's not in our contract." Mercury glared at the director. "Come on, I say we go give this guy a little talk."

With that, the three senshi, sans Venus, went off to the side, out of view of the story. There was a scream, followed by a crash, then an abrupt silence; soon, the smell of charred skin drifted through the air.

"...There." Coming back into the story, and clearly looking pleased, Sailor Mercury turned towards the cameramen and grips, who clearly looked disturbed by what they just saw. "Let's take that from the top, shall we?"

_boop_

* * *

"EARTHLINGS! I hope you all ate a hearty breakfast. Because tonight," Beryl shook her fist. "We dine in HELL!!!"

"**YEAAAAAH!!!!!!!**"

The shouts of the troops echoed through the open moon plain that they had just landed on, even more so as the soldiers beat their chests. They were ready for war, for bloodshed. They were ready to kill.

Then, all of a sudden, someone's phone rang.

_badu badu dudu boodoo doo-duuu…_

"Oh…!" Everyone began patting themselves. "Oh, is that…no, is it….who's phone is that?"

"Augh, sorry." Taking her phone out of her cleavage, Beryl flicked it open. "Of _course_ it has to be right in the middle of….Hello? Hello, who is this?"

The Earth warriors waited patiently as their leader took the call. They watched as her face grimaced at the news she was given over the telephone, and they wondered what it was.

"….What do you mean, you're _full?!_ I made reservations, damnit!" Beryl huffed. "When can…..it's a five hundred year wait?!….yes, I can make alternate arrangements," the sage sighed at this. "Yeah, sure. Thanks. Bye."

With that, Beryl slammed her phone shut and stuffed it back into her cleavage, looking visibly annoyed. At this, the soldiers began to look at one another warily, wondering what was about to happen.

"Asshole…" After muttering under her breath, Beryl raised her voice. "Right, change of plans! Tonight…..we dine at MCDONALD'S!"

"….McDonald's?" There was a murmur. "Uh, ok, we're game! BIG MACS FOREVER!!"

"**YEAH!!**"

-

"….we're doing CHINESE!!"

"…Chinese? Right!!" At this, Jadeite took out his sword. "Troops! GET THE GUARDIAN CATS!!"

"**YEEEEEAAAAAH!!!**"

At this, the army was off before Beryl could stop them. Instead, she was left to cough as the huge amount of dust that her army had kicked up in their stead.

"Huaaaah!" she gasped out. "Troops, wait up!"

"….we dine at THE HARD ROOOOOOCK!!"

"…..**YEAAAAAAAAAH!!**" Evil eye finger signs flew up everywhere at this, and several soldiers began to play air guitar with their weapons. "Screw hell!! Hell's for _sissies_!"

"…All right!" The generals looked at Beryl, their eyes widened, before throwing their hands up as well. "Way to go, bitch!"

"ROCK ON!!! ROCK ON!!!"

"**Rrrrgh…**" Behind them, a Metallica headband suddenly appeared on Metaria, as did some skyscraper-sized woofers. "**Righteous…..righteous….rrrrgh…..**"

Soon, the entire Earth army turned into a giant mosh pit, where people, beer, glass, and shirts were tossed about. Girls shuttled in from Earth and from various moon settlements hoisted themselves up and began to flash their breasts, to the approval of the crowd. Looking down at the debauched scene, even Beryl decided it was better late than never, so she ripped her dress off - revealing a tank top that said WHITESNAKE and ripped jeans - and leaped from the rock, straight into the heart of the moshing.

"….Well!" At this, Zoicite took out a joint as AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" began to blare out of the unholy sound system. "This is _definitely_ my kind of war!!"

_boop_

* * *

"I command you, demon..." Energy blasted from the staff, straight into the mass. "Accept this energy..._awaken_!!"

The energy hit the mass head on. At this, the cave began to rumble, with rocks crumbling down to the ground. The columns also disappeared, as the black mass began to pulse with life.

"**...Graaaaugh.**" The big cloud of smoke opened its blood-red eyes. "**Conquer universe. Kill people. Eat things...Destroy...**"

Then the mass stopped. It's eyes narrowed, as if it was waiting for something, yet nothing happened. After a moment, the monster growled.

"**Rrrrrr...Give me a moment.**" The generals stumbled in while the monster shut its eyes and began to sweat. "**Come on, intestines! I even ate bean burritos...!**"

_boop_

* * *

"Hey, Jacob?"

"Mmm, Priam?"

"...You don't suppose that's a rain cloud over the city, do you?"

"Mmm." Jacob took up a pair of binoculars. "Let me look."

At this, Jacob took the binoculars, but instead of looking at the direction Priam was pointing, he looked downward, towards the river. He began to giggle and drool as he continued to look.

"Heheh.._.something's_ going on there..."

"...I give up," Priam threw his hands up in disgust and stormed off as a trickle of blood began to come out of Jacob's nostril. "That does it. There's no hope for him. Call me when the story's over..."

_boop_

* * *

"**Rar...kill.**"

The generals looked at their troops, who were clearly yearning to fight. Then they looked up at the Metaria monster, whom none of them trusted. Even the Metaria monster looked ready to kill.

At this, Jadeite sighed.

"I wish Zoicite hadn't gone off." At this, he drew his sword, signaling his soldiers to fall back. "I'd have made him go first."

"Chicken."

"Am not!"

"All right!" Ignoring his comrade, Nephrite held his hand up. "We shall go. Troops, stay with the monster until I give the signal."

"What?" The troops began to get mad. "We don't get to kill those disgusting harlots!? You greedy bastards!"

"A_hem_." Nephrite put his hands on his hips. "Do you want Pop-Tarts after this battle? Then you'll do as I say! Or should I start passing out the boxes of Fruit Loops...eh?"

Nephrite turned to see that his troops had stopped, and were staring out at him, past him. He frowned at their seeming insubordination, and turned to talk to Jadeite, only to find he was doing the same thing.

"Now what i..." He turned to look at what they were staring at, only to find himself gawking as well. "..._Woah._"

In front of the army were two nimble young girls, both with wavy blonde hair, both exactly alike, who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, embracing each other. They were whispering strange things about horses to each other, and giggling as they appeared; when they saw the Earth army, one of them began to playfully slide her partner's top off, revealing the nymph-like bust and taut stomach underneath. The partner did the same, and soon the two were almost completely uncovered, kissing each other passionately and licking each other like little fluffy kittens.

Almost instantaneously, every Earth nostril in the vicinity erupted volcanically with blood.

"...Now THAT," One soldier pointed. "Is what I'm talkin' about when I say _conquest_! OOOOOH yeah!"

"Oh my God..." Jadeite's eyes almost rolled to the back of his head at the site. "Must...must keep...controllllofmyselfoh_God_..."

"Oooooooh!" Money began flying towards the pair. "What I wouldn't give to put my you-know-what into _their_ you-know where!"

As the money floated down, the two girls stopped their show and looked at the men. To many of the men, they almost looked bored to see them, but to the generals (save Jadeite), they could see something bordering on sadistic hunger as they smiled, their near naked bodies still intertwined.

"Hello." One licked her lips as she spoke in a voice that almost tinkled. "Who here would like to dance with us?"

"Oooh OOH!!" Dozens of hands shot up. "Me me! Pick me!!"

"No, pick me!"

"I'll pay you your weight in _gold!_"

"Mah penis is like a lawnmower, ladies! I'll _gladly_ cut your grass!"

"Oh yeah, well mine's _big!_"

"Oh? Well mine's-"

"**HOLD IT!!!!**"

The soldiers suddenly fell silent at the sudden voice, expecting their generals to turn around and berate them. Instead, however, a heavyset, spectacled girl, wearing a black t-shirt and denim pants, huffed from one of the buildings, her frizzy brown hair whipping around her.

"Hold it...hold...it..." She took several gasps before continuing. "Time out. This is not in the story. I'm pretty sure of it."

"What the-"

"SHUT UP! This is none of your business." This immediately silenced the soldiers as the girl took out a notepad and stared at the girls. "Ok...you two people...who the heck are you?"

"Mmmm..." One of the girls stared at the newcomer, licking her lips. "Why, we are Beryl's beautiful lesbian homicidal psychopathic shadowboxing adopted twin daughters. And we are here," the girls smiled maliciously. "To _serve_."  
"Oh, _ye_-"

"HEY! Did I tell you to move, girly man?!" Pushing Jadeite away, the girl quickly perused her notepad. "Homicidal...homi...eh...no, you definitely don't belong here. I've already filled my lesbian quota for this story."

"...There're more lesbians!?" Jadeite cried out. "Oh, why, _why_ wasn't I _told_!?"

"Wait a minute..." Nephrite suddenly looked suspicious. "What 'story'? This isn't a 'story'! Who are you?"

"No one. And of _course_ it isn't a story," the girl said sarcastically before going to the twins. "Now look, judging by my notepad, you are _clearly_ in the wrong Silver Millennium epic, so I suggest you quickly vacate the premises while you can."

"Ooh..." The twins laughed, their tones harsh. "Look likes we have a threat here. Maybe a kiss will make her feel better..."

"...So come here if you want it." They began to gyrate together. "Right on your neck, so that we can bite your jugular off."

"...Look, you'd better make like a dog and piss off." The brown-haired girl began to turn red. "Before you _piss_ me _off_."

"Oh, poor child," the girls cooed. "Simply jealous that she has not been graced by beauty. What part of her mind would you like to destroy, dear sister?"

"How about her parents?" The other girl giggled. "Maybe any pets."

"My pets..."

"Oh yes." The girls clearly struck a nerve as they suddenly began to inch in towards their new enemy, as if they floated on air. "Let's tear the little black kitty she has to pieces and eats its still warm intestines raw. What a lovely treat that shall be."

"Ok," Jadeite weakly raised a hand. "That's a just a little gross..."

"Oh, _that did it_."

Her eyes flashing with rage, the brown-haired girl quickly snapped her fingers; instantly, a black-cloaked sailor soldier appeared, a staff in her hand.

"Pluto." Authoritatively, the girl pointed to the laughing twins. "_Kill._"

"Yes, ma'am." The red jewel on the staff flashed. "Get out of this story."

The girls started to giggle again as they continued their advance, ready to enter into Pluto's mind. Their laugh died in their throats three seconds later as a giant purple ball of energy hit them dead on and blew their bodies up. When the dust cleared, all that was left were bits of charred clothing and random tufts of blonde hair.

"...Right." Clearly satisfied, the girl pulled on her shirt and motioned for Pluto to exit with her, leaving behind scores of men with tears of anguish in their eyes. "Carry on!"

_boop_

* * *

The next moments became fuzzy for Princess Serenity. She suddenly started to stumble forward, as if she had been pushed. She turned and thought she saw Endymion with his arms in front of him, his eyes as big as saucers. She didn't understand; she wasn't sure she wanted to.

_Did...did he just...?!_

Suddenly, Serenity's head exploded from the energy blast that hit it. The remains of the body fell to the floor, as her brains splattered the wall behind her. There was one final shudder before the corpse lay still forever.

"...Shit!" Seeing the princess' smoldering remains, Beryl slapped the orb on her staff angrily. "That wasn't supposed to happen! Defective piece of..." At this, the sorceress noticed Endymion running down the hall and grit her teeth angrily. "_HEY_! Come back here, prince _pussy_!!"

_boop_

* * *

"I don't believe it..."

The two moon guards stared at the spot where Queen Serenity just sat. There was still a sparkle of light, though this soon dissipated as well.

"...Well!" Jacob nodded. "That was fun."

"..._Fun_?" Priam's face turned red. "Are you kidding!? Do you realize what the queen just did!? She's going to use the Silver Crystal!"

"So?"

"The power! It..." The words stuck in Priam's throat. "It might kill the queen!"

"...So?"

There was a long moment of silence at this. Priam looked at Jacob, unable to comprehend how Jacob could be so blasé about the situation. Jacob, meanwhile, looked at Priam with a bored look while he popped a chip in his mouth, unable to figure out why Priam was so upset.

"Don't you _get_ it!?" Priam raised his voice to the point where it squeaked. "That's our _princess_ out there! Our queen, and our _princess_! The ones we're supposed to protect! Does that mean _anything_ to you!?!?"

"Oh, come _on_! Of _course_ it does!" Jacob threw his hands into the air. "But we can't waste our breath _whining_ about it!"

"_Whining!?_" Priam's voice cracked as his voice resonated through the room. "_They're everything!!! The princess is EVERYTHING!!!_"

"Ow! OW!" Jacob winced. "My _ears_! Calm down!!"

"How can I be _calm_!?!"

"By accepting the _truuuuth_!" At this, Jacob grabbed Priam's shoulders and shook them. "Yeah, they're our _sovereigns_, and it's our _princess_, but there's comes a point where we must _accept_ that they're going to be mashed into a bloody messy _pulp!_"

"I...I can't..." Priam's eyes widened. "Not...not the princess..."

"Why not?" Jacob blinked. "It's not like you're her _father_ or anything! Right?"

There was a very long silence at this. The longer the silence went on, the more the pieces fell together. Jacob stared at Priam's bloodshot eyes, and his mouth dropped open.

"...Oh, you _bastard_!" Jacob started to laugh. "You _are_ her father, aren't you?"

"I-"

"Ha ha ha!" Jacob let go of Priam, allowing him to flop to the floor. "And to think everyone was told it was that penguin she humped back in the day. Well, that's just _rich_. The private in the queen's privates. Ha ha ha."

"Leave me alone," Priam mumbled. "It's not funny."

"Course it is!" Priam plopped down onto a block of stone. "No one would think a prude like you could do something like that."

"You wouldn't understand." Priam shook his head. "We were close. Even after our love diminished, I tried to keep close to the princess. To protect her. To protect _them_. That's why I joined the guard."

"Oh, how noble of you." Jacob yawned. "It's not _that_ big of a deal. Besides, you being the princess' dad - that explains it."

"Explains what?"

"Well...why the princess looks so ugly without makeup."

Priam's armored fist barely missed Jacob's head at the response.

_boop_

* * *

"Oh, Endymion…" The princess couldn't help but blush as she looked at the back of her prince's head. "This reminds me of the time we met."

"Oh?"

"Yes, remember?" They turned a corner. "It was when I wore that bloody hockey mask and chased you down this very hall wielding a hockey stick and butcher knife? It was my method of scaring away suitors I didn't think I'd like."

"Yes, dear." There was a sigh. "I remember."

"But you….you were different." Serenity smiled. "And it was right about here where you turned, took your sword and almost completely severed my head from my neck. That's when I knew…."

"That your jugular and spine were permanently damaged from the blow?"

"…Well, yes," Serenity paused. "That and it took me three years to fully regain my ability to read and write, as well as wiggle my toes. But…also, that you were the man for me. That you were…._the one_."

"That's wonderful, but…." Suddenly, Endymion stopped. "I have something to confess."

"I….." Endymion couldn't contain himself. "I am the father of Anna Nicole's baby!"

"W….what?!" Serenity's eyes widened, and her lip quivered. "You mean….?"

"Yes." Endymion looked solemn as he spoke. "I'm sorry, Serenity, but…you're just not a big enough slut to father my children. And you have no boobs."

"….You….I…..WAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

With that, Serenity slapped Endymion in the face and ran off, crying. The prince looked on as she ran off, until she was a speck of white on the horizon.

"Really!" He called out. "It's for the best, my love! I'm sorry-"

"_Uh, cut!_" Suddenly, a mechanized voice, accompanied by feedback, came from the other side of the wall. "_Endymion, what the hell was that about?!_"

"What….what was what about?" Endymion blinked. "I was just telling her, you know? She deserved to know, I mean…I _did_ sleep with her."

"…_..Well, here's a news flash, idiot_." The voice droned. "_You're not the kid's dad._"

"WHAT?!"

"_Yeah, it was the photographer, you stupid shit._" There was a huff. "It'_s not like you couldn't just TURN ON A TELEVISION or ASK SOMEONE and find it out for yourself. You piece of-_"

"Oh my god."

Turning pale, Endymion turned and began to run as fast as he could after Serenity. He had to throw his armor off, as it was slowing him down, and his voice echoed through the hall as he screamed.

"Serenity, WAIT!!!...I was, uh, JOKING!!..."

_boop_

* * *

"Well, of all the..." Standing up unsteadily, Priam watched as the cats became a speck in the sky, a look of shock on his face. "This is...unbelievable! It can't be! We're the last two people alive in the _world_! My god...this..."

"Well," At this, Jacob took a bite out of a chocolate Pop Tart as he poked the queen's body with a stick. "Least we've got plenty of food-"

Suddenly, Serenity's hand shot up and grabbed the stick with a stiffened fist. Jacob gave a scream at this; then the dead queen's decayed head slowly turned towards him, and her eyes opened to reveal maggot-filled sockets.

"_**Would you mind,**_" she croaked, clearly annoyed . "_**NOT doing that, private?**_"

"UAAAAAAAAH! OHGODOHGOD OH _GOOOOOD_-"

Without even bothering to check if he had soiled himself, Jacob turned and ran in the other direction. As he ran, he bumped into Uranus as she stepped out of the doorway.

"OW! Hey!" Uranus turned and shouted after the private, who was already out of sight by the time she regained herself. "Watch where you're going!"

_boop_

* * *

"You don't know who you're messing with!!" Jadeite pointed his sword at the moon guards that charged toward him. "You may call me a girly man…..but I have a i demon /i inside me! A demon that thirsts for blood! A demon that makes me go i INSAAAAAAANE/I "

With an inhuman cry, Jadeite charged at the moon guards. Unfortunately for the general, he slipped on a banana peel that suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and flew head first into the nearest wall. He slumped to the floor, completely knocked out, while his soldiers and the moon guards looked on, clearly amused.

"…._Daaaaaamn_." At this, a reptilian monster with multiple tentacles randomly burst out of Jadeite's chest and looked around with a confused grimace. "That _had_ to hurt!"

_boop_

* * *

The discussions on the future of Earth continued in earnest, even as the cries of Venus continued to filter into the great cave every now and then. Indeed, the hope of getting away from Venus and Kunzite's continual lovefest as soon as possible seemed to motivate the leaders to get the details hammered out more quickly than would have normally been possible. By the end of the night, the group had already decided who would found which civilization, as well as who would get credit for a variety of different inventions designed to restart civilization, and they were just coming to an agreement as to who would get the credit for domesticating the sheep.

Suddenly, someone spoke up.

"...You know, there's one thing I haven't figured out."

"What?"

"Earth." The speaker motioned. "I mean, we know what happened to the men. They all got blown up."

"Yeah..." The lotcaster looked at the speaker. "What of them?"

"But what about the women?" The speaker scratched his head. "It seems strange. There're no women here save for those who escaped with us, yet none of the women were with the army that destroyed the moon. Where are all the Earth women?"

"Gee, I don't know..." The lotcaster rubbed his chin. "That's a really good question-"

The lotcaster was interrupted by the sight of the rock at the mouth of the cave suddenly being rolled aside. Everyone looked up, forced to shield theire eyes momentarily from the glare of the rising sun. As their eyes adjusted, however, they were treated to an unpleasant sight.

"_Raaaarrrrgh._"

A large group of female silhouettes appeared, staggering down towards the leaders, moaning and groaning. Tens, then dozens, then hundreds, then thousands, all of them with their flesh rotting and red eyes - and all of them smelling vaguely like an unholy fart.

"Good _God_...!!!" The leaders began to jump up and point. "_Zombies!_ Female zombies!!

"Oh..." The lotcaster gulped as he started to back away. "So _that's_ what happened to them. Oh dear..."

At this, the leaders began to run, throwing what they could to stop the horde from getting to them. Meanwhile, the horde pursued, the scent of live meat in their nostrils too strong to resist as they chased their prey deep into the hallow of the mountains. It was the same with many of the survivors the hordes found; though a few managed to escape and thrive, many more were never seen again.

Outside of Venus and Kunzite's cave, the zombies heard the sounds from within, their faces grimacing.

"OH GOD!!!" Venus' voice echoed out with ferocity. "OH...YES!! **YES!!!**"

Shaking their heads, the zombies dragged themselves past the cave, looking for something else to feast upon. Though it would only be a matter of time before they died from the sheer amount of orgasming they had done, it was anyone's guess when it would actually happen.

"**AAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!**"

And they kept going and going and going and going...

* * *

_One, two_

_[duh duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)_

_duhduh duh duhduh, duuuh duh duhduh (laa-aa-aa-aa)_

_duh duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)_

_duhduh duh duhduh, duuuh duuh duhduh (laaa-aaaaa)_

_duh_

_One, two _

If you ever hear a noise in the night 

_your body starts to sweat  
It shakes and shivers in fright  
You go and sleep with your mother, _

_she hates your guts  
She knows that you love her so she holds you tight  
All through the night, until the broad daylight  
And when she doesn't come home you have to sleep alone  
Then you wet your bed, and I think that's sad  
For a girl of nineteen it's more than sad, _

_it's obscene _

_[duh duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)_

_duhduh duh duhduh, duuuh duh duhduh (laa-aa-aa-aa)_

_duh duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)_

_duhduh duh duhduh, duuuh duuh duhduh (laaa-aaaaa)_

_duh_

_  
One, two _

And your girlfriend sweet little seventeen (oooooh, ooooooh)  
She's got her layered hair, and her flared jeans (oooooh, ooooooh)  
You know what that means? She's just a little queen (oooooh, ooooooh)  
She shares your London flat, (oooooh, ooooooh) 

_she thinks that London's where it's at, although it stinks (oooooh, ooooooh)  
And when it rains you wear your hat, (oooooh, ooooooh)_

_and your plum coloured PVC wet look maxi-mac (oooooh, ooooooh)  
You tie your ginger hair back in a bun (oooooh, ooooooh)  
You're the ugliest creature under the sun (oooooh, ooooooh)_

_[duh duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)_

_duhduh duh duhduh, duuuh duh duhduh (laa-aa-aa-aa)_

_duh duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)_

_duhduh duh duhduh, duuuh duuh duhduh (laaa-aaaaa)_

_duh_

_  
one, two, _

_go!_

_[INTERMISSION - SKA LIVES!_

_one, two _

And you think it's about time that you died, (oooooh, ooooooh) 

_and I agree, so you decide on suicide (oooooh, ooooooh)  
You tried but you never quite carried it off (oooooh, ooooooh)  
You only wanted to die in order to show off (oooooh, ooooooh)  
And if you think you're gonna bleed all over me, (oooooh, ooooooh)_

_you're even wronger than you'd normally be (oooooh, ooooooh)  
And the only things you want to see are kitsch (oooooh, ooooooh)  
The only thing you want to be is rich (oooooh, ooooooh)  
Your little pink up-pointed nose begins to twitch (oooooh, ooooooh)  
I know, you know, you're just a little bitch _

One, two

* * *

_**WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT**_

_**CAST**_

PRINCESS SERENITY...Hillary Duff Lindsay Lohan Mischa Barton

Melissa Joan Hart TBA

PRINCE ENDYMION...Eminem

QUEEN BERYL...Geena Davis J.J. Shinichi

"Sonny" Chiba

QUEEN SERENITY...Jessica Alba

JACOB...Eric Idle

PRIAM...Graham Chapman

JADEITE...Arnold Schwarzenegger

NEPHRITE...Bruce Willis

ZOICITE...Van Diesel

KUNZITE...Clint Eastwood

KUNZITE'S TONGUE...Akira Kubodera

SAILOR VENUS...Britney Spears

SAILOR VENUS'S TONGUE...Freddy Krueger

SAILOR MERCURY...Kate Winslet

SAILOR MARS...Michael Palin

TORSO GIRL/SAILOR JUPITER...Dakota Fanning

METARIA/SHADOW WARRIORS...Andy Serkis

GENERAL ODD...John Cleese

EARTH SOLDIER #1...Eric Idle

EARTH SOLDIER #2...Tobey Maguire

EARTH SOLDIER #3...Steve McQueen

EARTH SOLDIER #4-#300...Russell Crowe

LEONIDAS...Gerard Butler

LUNA...Benji

ARTEMIS...Lassie

SAILOR PLUTO...Herself

SAILOR URANUS...Elton John

SAILOR NEPTUNE...Ornella Muti

SAILOR SATURN...Lord Chaos (he crossdressed)

THE AUTHOR...Herself

COOL BLACK BADASS DUDE WHO DOESN'T APPEAR IN THIS FILM

BUT HAS STILL HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER F&ING SNAKES

ON THIS MOTHERF&ING PLANE!!...Samuel L. Jackson

PERSON WHOSE BRAIN WAS BROKEN BY A READING OF THE

DUCKTALES FIC "A LITTLE DIES EVERY TIME", WHICH HAS NO

REAL IMPORTANCE HERE BUT NEVERTHELESS OCCURRED

DURING THE WRITING OF THIS FANFIC...Deckman

BALLROOM PERSON #1/SURVIVOR...Mario Lopez

BALLROOM PERSON #2/SURVIVOR...Jerry Rice

BALLROOM PERSON #3/SURVIVOR...Laila Ali

BALLROOM PERSON #4/SURVIVOR...Kelly Monaco

BALLROOM PERSON #5/SURVIVOR...Vivica A. Fox

BALLROOM PERSON #6, 7, 8 & 9/SURVIVOR...Jerry Springer

THE ANONYMOUS HECKLER...Mel Gibson

PENGUIN LEADER...Elijah Wood

EARTH ZOMBIE #1...Reese Witherspoon

EARTH ZOMBIE #2...Jocelyn

EARTH ZOMBIE #3...Aaron (he crossdressed)

EARTH ZOMBIE #4...Ben (he also crossdressed)

EARTH ZOMBIES #5-47,383...Michael Jackson (do we even need to

address this one?)

-

WRITTEN BY...Papirini

INSPIRED BY..."Angel Electric" by Lord Chaos

ALSO INSPIRED BY...All those Silver Millennium fics

THEME SONG BY...The Specials

THAT OTHER SONG BY...Vera Lynn

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER...Starsea

BETA READER...Starsea

BETA-BETA-READER...A Monkey With a Typewriter

BETA-BETA-BETA READER...Spooky the Black Cat

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DURING THE WRITING

OF THIS FANFIC...George W. Bush

PERSON WHO SHOULD'VE BEEN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES DURING THE WRITING OF THIS FANFIC..Christopher Walken

SPECIAL EFFECTS...WordPad Application, Windows ME,

AOL, Hotmail

DIRECTED BY...Alan Smithee, Steven Spielberg, Brad Pitt

and the corpse of Kurt Vonnegut

**SPECIAL THANKS**

_Starsea for being my beta. Lord Chaos for writing the fanfic that inspired me to write this. Dejana, Ashley, mom and dad, Dr. Pepper, Monty Python, Deck, Naoko Takeuchi, and that big fat pigeon that got into my room, for the various forms of encouragement to write. All of the readers who braved the whole story until the end, and anyone who tried to read it. ASMR and .moon for hosting._

_Keith Richards for snorting his...actually, no. Never mind._

_This fanfic is quietly dedicated to the victims of Virginia Tech9/15/07._

_**THE END**_


End file.
